Why Aspies and others on the autistic spectrum must avoid the victim mentality and narcissism

good day everybody Carol bird here
author of the Sun I almost gave away and in today’s video I would like to address
something that I have been promising you guys all for a few weeks now and that is
I would like to discuss the topic of those who have autism sensory processing
disorders or Asperger’s how to live life without operating in the victim
mentality or bordering on narcissism and for those who are high-functioning
autistic individuals those who have Asperger’s those who are functioning in
life I guess on the higher end of the scale the tendency for us will often be
to rather lean more towards the victim mentality almost taking the intellectual
impairment to an advantage to a degree using it to manipulate those around us
or that victim mentality could also be used in a way that really hinders our
success and our independence and on the other side of it is the more extreme
form of manipulation where we’re actually becoming quite narcissistic and
we’re using these impairments to control those around us to feed into whatever
our desires or needs might be and I really would like to focus this video
partly on how it affects relationships but life in general as well so career
home life parenting all of those kind of things so I’m gonna
be a little bit all over the map today it’s not gonna be one of those videos
that I have taken any notes or anything so I’m just gonna share from the heart a
little bit of what I have learned as I have been going through the process of
getting to know myself and how Asperger’s in a way shapes my identity
and I have noticed that I I started falling into a little bit of a trap and
I think this is fairly common with those that are on the spectrum especially
those who have known they’ve been on the spectrum since they were very young when
you hear that you are autistic or that you have a sensory processing disorder
or that you have Asperger’s when you hear these labels being used in a way
that separates you from mainstream society or your neurotypical person it
really starts to become part of your identity and if you’re not careful you
can easily fall into this trap where it becomes an advantage to you in such a
way that you’re getting the upper hand in search of certain situations that
maybe you shouldn’t be and this is something that I I really caution anyone
from putting I guess too much emphasis on the labels on the labels of being
autistic or being on the spectrum and here’s why the tendency I find for
myself is to use this as a what would be the best way to word this
here this isn’t something I think we really do on purpose sorry I should move
my hand it’s like right there we use the label as an advantage or we use it as an
excuse for certain behaviors or certain ways that we maybe do not want to be
flexible where we should be and so I want to talk a little bit about kind of
what I have noticed in my own life since discovering that I have Asperger’s in a
lot of ways that has really really helped me and in a lot of ways that has
really hindered me and I want to cover two things in the area of kind of that
victim mentality that can develop and as a caution and as a warning because I’m
finding a lot of people in their adult lives are being diagnosed with autism
and Asperger’s and these sensory processing disorders and I’m noticing a
pattern not just developing with myself but lots of people in the groups that
I’ve been participating in they fall into these two different traps and one
is in this self victimizing kind of like a quicksand trap and another one is into
the manipulation tactics within a relationship and I want to go through
those with you guys and so for me when I discovered that I had Asperger’s I used
to really stretch and push myself a lot to do things that were outside my
comfort zone because I functioned most optimally when I was pushing myself and
when I discovered that I had Asperger’s I started not justifying but I started
being oak hey with not pushing the envelope or
staying within my comfort zones and what happened was when I decided oh the
reason that I don’t want to do this or I don’t want to do that or I don’t want to
go here I do this is all because of my sensory processing issues and my
Asperger’s I started living a very self-centered life very isolated
antisocial and I used the excuse and it’s not even necessarily an excuse
because it’s a genuine reason but I used the excuse that you know the reason I’m
not leaving my room and the reason I’m not wanting to go here go there or do
this or do that is because my sensory processing issues and my Asperger’s and
I fell into a trap of becoming very very antisocial and uneffective in my life
and this had this took a very big toll on my relationships on my health on the
level of success I was having in my career and my goals and I really started
living this life of being like a hermit and using the excuse that because I’m
autistic I shouldn’t have to do certain things anymore that I’m not comfortable
with and it became quicksand to me in my life because they became very antisocial
I’m very uneffective and very self-centered and so this is kind of
that first trap is you develop this victim mentality that ends up being like
shackles on your life and you use the excuse that oh it’s too overwhelming to
go here it’s too overwhelming to do that I don’t like talking to people I don’t
like seeing people and you start putting yourself in these little boxes in the
back the box has become little or it’s literally a word oh man
what’s wrong with me it’s like you’re encasing yourself in
this complete armor and then you’re putting on more and more and more layers
and becoming more and more and more isolated as you go through from the day
that you’re diagnosed as you move forward you’re gonna find that your
quality of life if you do fall into this trap becomes less and less as you move
forward and the more you fixate on the autism and Asperger’s the more you start
living this very kind of self entitled narcissistic self-centered life within
your own little bubble and the more that you do that the more antisocial you
become and the more uncomfortable it is actually to push yourself to do these
things and then it just there’s the snowball effect that just
perpetuates a worsening of your overall quality of life and I’ve noticed for the
last Oh going on what six months nine months or so my life just taking this
kind of downward spiral and with autistic people because we are so
comfortable living in our own little bubbles the more we live in them the
more we are uncomfortable outside them and then we become more antisocial more
fearful of the outside world and it can become very dangerous and the reason it
can become very dangerous is the suicide rates in those with Asperger’s are
extremely high roughly 60% of those that have Asperger’s have contemplated
planned or attempted suicide and that’s very very very high and one of the worst
things that an autistic person could possibly do is fall into this habit of
victimizing self victimizing using these labels as an excuse to become very
antisocial or uneffective in day to day life
and isolation is a really big and very easy to fall into trap for those who
want who are on the spectrum so I noticed for me that is the first thing
as I became very wrapped up in my own self and sorry I’m getting sick of
seeing that we must hide it it was not a good thing it was not a good thing for
me in my life and the more that I said to myself oh I don’t need to do that
anymore I don’t need to force myself to do this because I’m autistic and now it
makes sense why I’m not comfortable with that when I continue to allow myself to
think that way the vibrant life that I used to live became very far from my
reality and I slipped into a depression now that wasn’t the only reason I
slipped into a depression I was going through my breakup at the time so there
there was other things that were going on I found out about my dad not being my
dad and that kind of all happened around the same time but usually I bounced back
very very fast from things and I don’t let myself just lay around in my room
when I’m grieving and just be feeling sorry for myself and having this pity
party but because of the Asperger’s I used that as an excuse to not have to
push myself into social situations or situations where I would have to be
stretching myself and that just perpetuated a downward spiral a spiral
that became very dumb clinically I became very clinically depressed and so
this is my first caution is that if you have an autistic diagnosis or you have a
sensory processing disorder you have Asperger’s do not become don’t do not
become complacent because of your labels and do not allow
victim mentality to start influencing your life to such a degree that you stop
being effective self-directed and self empowered in your life where you become
stagnant and you use your labels and you use your disability or your impairment
as an excuse to be self what is the word I’m looking for here not self-centered
but I guess maybe the word narcissistic is the best word here because everything
becomes about self and feeling sorry for self and disempowered and that kind of
brings me to the next subject of the narcissism and this is the next trap
that I fell into and I think a lot of other people with Asperger’s fall into
and a lot on the spectrum fall into the narcissistic trap kind of works like
this and it’s really a big deal in relationships when you find out that
you’re autistic or you have these impairments those in your life are going
to wonder okay where do I fit in now you know and maybe you meet somebody and
you’ve already been diagnosed and you you’re upfront with them right away it’s
okay I have this issue what ends up happening is you automatically have an
unbalanced the power is between the two people is is not going to be balanced
now the reason it’s not going to be balanced is because you are seen as
someone with a disability that needs special treatment special consideration
and so as an example to this this was an issue that my soulmate and I had and
this was before we ended up parting ways and what happened was as I was
discovering more and more about my sensory processing issues and my
Asperger’s I was putting these limits on what I would do and what I wouldn’t do
and where I wouldn’t be flexible to meet his needs and coming up with all of
these not rules but kind of like preferences for what our relationship
would have to look like now and I used the Asperger’s as my excuse for why I
wouldn’t do any of the things that he wanted to do like sports and pubs and
going to the theater and you know these different kind of things and I would say
you know it’s not a preference for me it’s a impairment where it causes me
this discomfort and that is all very true it is all very true but I used it
to be uncooperative so I could have my needs being met all of the time and not
giving too much consideration to what his needs were and so what what happens
is the relationship becomes where I have all the power I make all the decisions
and it’s because I’m autistic that I get to and and the relationship is about
serving me and it’s because I’m autistic and that is a very narcissistic way to
think and a relationship is not going to thrive if you think that way it’s got to
be balanced so yes me going to the theatre is very uncomfortable for me and
for a variety of reasons the sounds are extremely overwhelming the lights are
extremely overwhelming the contrast of the light coming off the screen to the
darkness that surround me is extremely overwhelming people moving around in my
peripheral vision or my physical space is overwhelming most of the content of
what I’m actually even seeing in the video is usually very overwhelming there
is a lot of things happening at once that are
very unenjoyable for me even just the seats and sitting like that in those
hard seats with cold arms and you know the hard plastic and that touching me
and all of it is just very overwhelming it’s not an environment I enjoy being in
but what I was doing was saying you know to my soul mate you know I don’t think
we can go to movies anymore because I don’t I don’t think it’s fair that I
should have to be uncomfortable so you could have a good time and this is where
the power in the relationship started becoming very unbalanced because now
that I know why I don’t feel comfortable in movies and why I prefer not to go
because now I have this label I was able to use that label as an advantage to get
my way and to not have to conform in any way to what his preferences were and I
justified it at the time so I thought well I shouldn’t have to go to movies if
I’m not comfortable there I shouldn’t have to go to pubs and go watch sports
or go do any of the things that I don’t enjoy doing because I have this label
now so this narcissism started taking over and becoming a very huge hindrance
to the relationship and the relationship started becoming very unhealthy and
unbalanced and where I was almost like I am you know like the master of this
relationship and you are the slave and you should just be thankful that you’re
getting to tag along in my lifestyle and this was just very very wrong and it’s
very easy to fall into this narcissistic thinking when you have some type of
intellectual impairment like being a neurodiverse person we have these labels
that can now justify all of our be and choices and preferences and the fact
that we have some type of you know medical diagnosis behind it makes it
that we can justify now any of our behaviors and any of our preferences or
where we don’t want to be flexible to the needs of our partner or those were
in relationship with and this is not a very good thing and so if your goal is
to have healthy relationships and your neurodiverse person you’re with a
neurotypical person you have other neurotypical people in your life you are
going to have to do everything you can to avoid falling into these two traps
the victim mentality and the narcissism because the victim mentality is going to
become a downward spiral for you and you are going to become very depressed
probably very suicidal very ineffective in your life the quality of your life
will consistently go down to the point where you don’t even recognize yourself
anymore you will not want to leave your house you will not have healthy
relationships your health will take downward spiral into a very dark
unhealthy place and if your bordering on the narcissism and what’s going to end
up happening is people are going to lose their interest in having you in their
day-to-day life because you’re so self centered and focused on self that you
can barely even see them and it’s like they become very unimportant and they
feel that and they don’t want to say anything to you about it because they
see you almost the way you see yourself like this victim well I don’t want to
you know force her to do this or to do that because I know she’s autistic and I
don’t want to come across as like a real dickhead by saying hey for our
anniversary can we go to Florida because I know that the heat bothers her because
of her sensory processing and you know on this
this and so what happens is they become almost like insignificant and they start
feeling insignificant and any of the type of you know any relationship you
have with someone that they’re in a position where they feel insignificant
the relationship will not thrive it will slowly deteriorate until you end up
parting ways and this is the trap of falling into this narcissistic thinking
because of your you know your impairment label is you really justify the fact
that you’re trying to set up your entire life to be comfortable for yourself and
you’re no longer putting other people’s needs into your picture and I like I
said I fell into this trap myself it was very wrong it happened very quickly and
I am very thankful actually to have people in my life that pushed me like I
knew that I had autism when I went to Cuba and I didn’t use you know this
excuse that okay I’m autistic so I’m not gonna go to Cuba because it’s gonna be
hot and I don’t want to deal with the overwhelm and I don’t want to deal with
the crowded bus and I don’t want to deal with everyone speaking to me in Spanish
and I don’t agree with the new food and textures and smells and you know what I
just went and that was the right thing to do and it was an amazing and
beautiful experience and this is what you have to do if you are autistic you
have Asperger’s you have a sensory processing disorder you absolutely need
to avoid falling into the trap that victim trap where you stop doing things
that make you uncomfortable where you stop pushing yourself where you stop catering I guess to the needs of others
in your life you have to be willing to be uncomfortable to an extent and the
more you try to appease all of your own needs and
comfort zones and desires the more narcissistic you will become the more
isolated from society you will become the more isolated from those you’re in
relationships you will become and you will find that you become very depressed
and you will start feeling like your life is meaningless that your existence
has no purpose and you will start losing hope and when that happens that is when
this very dark cloud will start overtaking your life and you will not
even recognize who you are anymore and you will lose your desire to live and I
know that sounds very kind of almost like extreme but it can happen it can
happen very quickly so if you’ve recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s
or autism or sensory processing disorder or any other real even any other mental
impairment or even mental illness whatever it might be if you’ve had a
diagnosis like this you have to watch for these traps the victim mentality and
the narcissism because it can happen very very quickly where you’re you know
you’re going to work one day and you’re getting up and you’re leaving the house
and you have friends and you’re involved in church and you’re involved in sports
and you’re doing all different kinds of things and even though it stresses you a
bit and it’s overwhelming you’re doing them anyway before you know it once you
have a label like this if you take it too far you could literally find
yourself in three months from now not leaving your house barely having any
relationships barely getting dressed in the morning and in a very deep dark
clinical depression and that can happen very quickly your relationships can
start falling apart and the more serious that you take the label and the more you
start deciding hey I can run with this and I can manipulate those around
me and I can use this to my advantage and not that we necessarily think those
thoughts consciously but we subconsciously incorporate all this
victim mentality into the way we conduct ourselves if you start doing that then
you are going to notice the quality of your life is going to deteriorate very
rapidly and those that you have been in relationship with will suffer needlessly
because you have allowed this to get to your head in such a way that you are
deceiving and brainwashing your own self with your own nonsense and I know that
sounds very harsh but for me you know finding out I had Asperger’s that really
did get to my head and I really used that in ways that I didn’t intend to and
I stopped being flexible in areas that I really should have continued to be
pushing myself I used it as an excuse I shouldn’t have to push myself in this
way I shouldn’t have to go to this restaurant I shouldn’t have to do any of
these things anymore because I’m autistic and that’s why I don’t like to
do those things but after traveling down that road and seeing what’s at the end
of it I can tell you that’s not a path that will be serving you in any way
to travel down you don’t want to travel that one if you recently found out you
have autism or you’re on the spectrum what you need to do is you need to
become more self empowered so you can say oh now I understand why I don’t like
to wear sleeves on my arms cool information to have that makes sense to
me how am I going to let that control my life
well that isn’t probably going to be a big hindrance for my life I now
understand why I don’t like to wear those kind of things I will
not wear them but if you find out you have Asperger’s and you’re like oh okay
now I understand why I don’t like being around people so I guess I’m gonna stop
being around people now no not a good idea not a good idea now you can use it
as an advantage to say okay now I understand why I don’t like to be around
people that that helps me to understand myself and my identity and my preference
is better now but how am I going to use this to my advantage
to serve and grow in my own life and to serve others better how am I going to
use this in advantage as an advantage to grow in in a way that I become more self
empowered more successful in the things that matter to me how am I going to use
this knowledge to employ my core values more effectively now and instead of okay
how am I going to become more of a victim and stagnant in life how am I
going to be able to use this to become more narcissistic and self fulfilling
you see what I’m saying there there’s a very big difference you can use your
autistic diagnosis to actually bless yourself and others in a far greater way
where you’re not imprisoning yourself where you’re not isolating yourself
where you’re not becoming narcissistic and self-centered and there is a very
big difference there and so I’ve learned this by making this mistake and in that
I really sabotaged one of my relationships because I started acting
like in my soulmate relationship like Kay because he’s neurotypical and I’m
neurodiverse we really don’t fit and the things you want to do or not the things
that I want to do and now that I know that I’m autistic now I know why I don’t
want to do them so we’re best off just you know not even bothering with it or
if you want to be with me then you just have to accept the fact that I don’t
want to do any of the things that you want to do and our life is gonna look
like this and if you don’t like it well then you know go be with someone that’s
not autistic and that is a really evil way to think and I know that I fell into
that myself so that’s something you want to avoid you really want to avoid that
you have to continue to approach relationships the way a neurotypical
person would which is give and take it needs to be give-and-take you need to
cooperate you need to be flexible just the way any neurotypical person in
any neurotypical relationship would have to and your neurodiversity is no excuse
for abuse it’s no excuse for being self-centered it’s no excuse for not
compromising in the relationship you have no advantage because you have this
label now and don’t fool yourself into thinking that somehow this label has
given you an advantage now over others it doesn’t you have to be in your
relationships as an equal you need to compromise as an equal you need to serve
as an equal you need to contribute as an equal so if you’ve fallen into this
train of thinking where now you’re a victim and everyone needs to serve you
and the worlds about you in the world revolves around you because you have
this label it may seem as though this is going to be for your advantage but I can
tell you what’s at the end of that road is a clinical depression hopelessness really the overall feeling that your
life is very meaningless and that you are a victim and that you have no
control over your own life in your own destiny and it does not feel good to be
there don’t even bother down that road if you have this label
you have the opportunity now to say okay what can I do with this to make my life
and those around me even better now that I understand it and go down that road
but do not go down this self-pity road do not have a pity party do not start
changing your whole life so it becomes so comfortable that you’re not
stretching yourself anymore and absolutely do not use it as an advantage
in your relationships to gain control over others to not have to be flexible
and compromise do not do that because you will destroy that relationship if
you do and if you want that relationship then you stay on equal ground with that
person and you continue to compromise and cooperate even when you have to be
uncomfortable you have to learn how to accept the fact that it has to be 50/50
give and take most of the time regardless if you’re autistic or not and
that is what I’ve learned and these are some very big lessons for me and I
expect they will serve me well down the road now that I have come to realize
where I fell into these two different traps and yeah and I can see a lot of
those I’m in relationship with that our autistic fall also into the same traps
very easy to labels can be very disempowering but used in the wrong way
they can really create little monsters in us power-hungry monster is very
self-centered people so learn from me once again I like to share where I make
my mistakes so others can learn from the mistakes I make and hopefully not fall
into the same traps in their own life I don’t really have too much else to say
on the subject feel free to send me a comment not send me a comment because
that doesn’t even make sense leave me a comment or like the video when you like
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under mindful divergence yeah that’s about it it’s Carol bird here
author of the Sun I almost gave away thanks guys bye

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