“My Wife’s Brain Tumor” – Jim Gaffigan (Noble Ape)


It’s been a crazy year for me. Crazier, I don’t know if you
know, in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor. I’m not even making this
up, it was removed. She’s great,
everything’s good. Thank .you I didn’t remove it,
I was in the other room soiling myself but the tumor is gone along with my ability to
ever win another argument. it’s not like I was winning a lot before but now I’m retired. and luckily my wife is not the type
to bring it up, well once she did She was like,
you know I did have brain surgery and I could have been like,
yeah that was like a month ago. It’s time to move on, you know? what about my seasonal allergies? We all have our cross to bare. It was crazy The surgeon told me the
tumor was the size of a pear which is scary but also confusing. I was like, did he go to medical
school or farmers market? but tumors are often compared to fruit. a pear, a lemon, a grapefruit. Interesting fact, worst tumor
grapefruit Worst fruit,
Grapefruit. When you think about it a
grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit. I almost feel sorry for grapefruit. “Yeah, we cant win.” “We’re already the worst fruit and
now we’re compared to the worst tumor well, at least we help
old people poop.” That is the worst impression
of a grapefruit ever. It’s kind of unfortunate that there’s
a another fruit that’s much smaller named grape. because you know there’s
situations in doctor’s offices “We’ve found a tumor,
it’s the size of a grape” Thank God. “I didn’t finish “Grapefruit” Oh, that’s very different. It was strange, you know? When the doctor told me the
tumor was the size of a pear I thought wow, I guess
doctors are bad at analogies but I quickly realised they
are just dumbing it down for idiots like me. Like the surgeon looked
at me and thought well, this guy is not gonna
understand centimeters I don’t even want to try and explain circumference based on appearance he
doesn’t eat fruit but he’s probably seen a pear when he’s at the grocery
store buying ice cream. I don’t know why the surgeon
sounds like Andy Rooney. You ever noticed
tumor’s look like fruit? by the way,
if you don’t know who Andy Rooney is you’re a child. and if you do know
who Andy Rooney is you should probably
eat more grapefruit. Tumor’s compared to fruits,
sometimes they are compared to balls like a golf ball or a softball. but the surgeon looked at me and thought I’m gonna stick with food. I got a better shot at
this fat-ass understanding. I joke around but it was scary,
we have 5 children and there where moments
where I was like Oh mu gosh,
if anything happens to my wife those five kids are gonna
be put up for adoption. Some of these jokes are just for the fathers. My wife was so amazingly strong and
brave during this whole experience for 3 months after the surgery she couldn’t eat solid foods. And her friends would send us the
most delicious food she couldn’t eat so I found myself hiding the food and secretly eating it. it was like a whole new
eating disorder for me. am I supposed to feel ashamed?
because I’m helping my wife! Really I’m a hero. She mostly ate jello Jello, you know what
they make jello out of? bones and hooves. I always thought that was an urban
legend, bones and hooves? what kind of madman “let me have the bones and hooves I got an idea for a kids dessert it will be huge,
we’ll get Cosby to do the commercials everyone trusts him. Anyone using the eyeballs?
I can make an abacus. I’ve got tons of ideas.” They say laughter is the best medicine and it is,
after you’ve received real medicine from a real medical professional. Prior to that you don’t want any laughter you don’t want a doctor
giggling during an exam “Oh my gosh, this is your body? well, nice man boobs.” My wife had the surgery in New York City at a hospital named Mount Sinai. I have noticed that a lot
of hospitals in the U.S are either named after Saints or ancient places in Israel which is not that reassuring
when you think about it. it’s like,
“Hi and welcome to our hospital we’re all about science which is why our building
is named after the place God talked to Moses as a burning bush. Over here is our Casper the Ghost wing, next to our astrology center. Do you like UFO’s, we love those. We’re all about science.” I spent 2 weeks in the hospital people that work in hospitals
are truly amazing people. They are so nice and supportive. It makes you suspicious right? Are they stealing the drugs? They’re a little too exited to
be around sick people in pajamas. and when I say sick,
I’m not talking about the positive slang because that’s part of our language, right? “That jacket is sick!” but you don’t want to have a
medical professional to be like “Your test results are sick! I mean let me clarify, you’re dying.” It’s got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting? everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting. I walked in and they are like, “We should get you to the E.R.” I’m just here to see my wife. “Well, you have jaundice.” “See, come here.
Oh my gosh, I have jaundice too. We all have jaundice.” When my wife would nap,
I would go to the cafeteria Hospitals have the most
cutting-edge medical equipment but they are still serving
food like it’s Shawshank redemption. How about selling an MRI machine
and getting a pasta station? “Jim, you’re a monster.” there’s different sections in hospitals there’s the emergency room,
the intensive care unit Which sounds scary but I don’t know why anyone
would want to stay anywhere but the intensive care unit. It kind of implies that
rest of the hospital is like “Look, we care but we’re not gonna be a spazz about it. I get a phone call,
I’m gonna take it right? We’re like the mediocre care unit which is better than than
the, we couldn’t care less unit those guys are horrible.” It was wild,
my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the
surgeon told me, he goes “halfway through I’ll
probably stop and get lunch.” I don’t need to know that. why do you even tell me that? was he afraid I was gonna run
into him in the cafeteria? What are you doing here?! “I get these cravings, those snickers commercials are true.” But he was a great brain surgeon. We learned later on that he’s like the best. I don’t know how they determine
the best brain surgeon you know, maybe there’s a competition. America’s got tumors. Heidi Klum thought he was the best. The best brain surgeon, isn’t it enough that’s
someone’s a brain surgeon? None of us can even get in Med-School. A brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwords specializes in neurology after that, specializes in surgery of the brain and we are like,
“yeah are they any good?” Yeah, they are a brain surgeon. You know what they do with
the bad brain surgeons? they don’t let them become brain surgeons. Do you love animals? Well, I do too. If you don’t hit subscribe all the animals will die so it’s up to you do it.

53 thoughts on ““My Wife’s Brain Tumor” – Jim Gaffigan (Noble Ape)

  1. Click subscribe to take this relationship to the next level http://bit.ly/SubJimGaffigan, Oh, & turn notifications on!

  2. Your great Jim. My brothers name is Jim. Did they call you โ€œJimboโ€ growing up too?โ€

  3. Being in the medical field (not a brain surgeon) your analysis of fruit to very offensive. LoL. Jk. I had never considered the fruit comparison to be… questionable. What if the shape is not round? Would it be the size of a hot pocket?

  4. The best brain surgeon would have the least amount of deaths after surgery. You're welcome to it. โ˜ฎ๏ธ

  5. Jim, you are remarkable! You constantly make me laugh and I am forever grateful you are in this world! Will you please run for President!!??

  6. Lol!
    Thanks Jim!

    After the Market Meltdown this week,
    I really needed this laughter medicine.
    After the headache medicine, of course!

  7. Thank you so much for all the laughter you bring up….wait that sounds like you're an emetic Stop I didn't mean it that way!!!!!!1

  8. I hit subscribe and the animals are still dying… You're sick Jim. Sick. But, I'm still watching and laughing. Sick I tell, ya. Sick. Thanks. I do animal rescue and needed that. It is this type of humor that makes it possible to deal with all the people out there who use and abuse animals. If I weren't laffing, I'd be crying.

  9. Talking in third person and acting like being apart of the audience is an ingenious idea and super funny. Itโ€™s made me laugh since Beyond the Pale.

  10. My brother's wife has a brain tumor.She's had it for years and has had surgery and radiation.Now on chemo every other week.

  11. Why on God's good earth would anybody dislike this skit? Some people are stupid and they need to be put on a disliked island where they can live unhappily forever.

  12. According to google the gelatin in Jello comes from boiling the bones and hides of animals processed for meat so no hooves.

  13. I prefer that random videos pop up in my to-watch feed. But…. I like animals so yeah, I subscribed. Damned blackmail, that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  14. The eating of her wife`s food, beeing defensive/agressive about it, and the "What are YOU doing here!!" scream is comedy gold!!! Fantastic!

  15. That ending with the subscribe message almost made me choke omg that's the funniest thing I've seen today thank you Jim

  16. You can relax Jim, I subscribed months ago. Just so you know, I can no longer watch your videos when I have trouble sleeping in the middle of the night. Not that youโ€™re scary or anything, but the neighbors call the police when they hear me laughing hysterically at 3am.

  17. That subscription appeal reminds me of a National Lampoon magazine cover from the early 70's.
    "Buy this magazine or we'll kill this dog".

  18. Hope all is well in your world.
    Dixie Chicks new release: "Gaslighter" in May?๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป ๐Ÿ‘ฃ ๐Ÿ˜‡ ๐Ÿคฒ๐Ÿป ๐Ÿ€ ๐Ÿคฒ๐Ÿป ๐ŸŒพ โ›ช ๐Ÿคญ ๐Ÿ˜ท ๐Ÿ”” Peace be with you & yours. Y'all are forever in my prayers. Hope y'all stay safe, sane & secure.

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