INFJ DEPRESSION – Kick the NI-TI LOOP to the Curb


What’s up guys, this is Wenzes. Welcome back to my channel where we
talk about creating an Epic life on your terms. And today we’re talking about how
to kick the N I T I looped to the curb, how you can stop sabotaging
yourself once and for all. And I really believe that the N I T I
loop is first off the biggest hurdle and the biggest roadblock when it comes to
INFJ’s really succeeding in their lives, I believe it’s the one that is most
misunderstood and it’s the one you most likely oblivious of doing. So I really want to go deep on this topic
so we understand not only what it is, but how you can use it to your advantage. What things you can stop doing right
now and therefore improve your life to a new level you’ve never reached
before. Before we get started, I want to remind you, if you want to take the next step in
creating an Epic life on your terms, sign up to the Epic life masterclass.
or work with me privately. All the information you find below. So let’s first talk about what an
NI-TI loop is. N I, as you all know, as introvert intuition and
T I is introverted thinking, this is the first and the third
function of the INFJ functional stack. And the thing is this, you have dominant
terriore loops with all the types. I’ve seen it with INFJs,
I’ve seen it with the ESTPs, I’ve seen it in all of them and it’s
really interesting to study them. But for now I want to just really get
to the point of what we can do to change it and why we’re doing it in the first
place. So, and other types, you see it, for example, an ENFJs that they go way into F E S
E meaning they’re all over the place. They really let out all of their emotions
and they want people to accept them for the kind of emotional
atmosphere they create. This is like an unhealthy example of this, let’s say Justin Bieber a couple of
years ago. Perfect example for this, but when it comes to INFJ’s, you really
see it in of course the other direction. So being way too introverted, and this
is so much deeper than you might think. If you just see, Oh,
you’re too introverted. So you just say inside and you think
about stuff over and over again, or you try to understand things.
This is really just the surface. This is the one thing that could caused
you to really have reality breaks. This is the cause of really
deep depression and it’s
really the main cause of you not moving forward and asking
yourself why you feel so alone, why your life doesn’t make sense, why all the things are missing
that you wish you would feel. It’s really bypassing the second function. And the biggest problem I would say
is that you’re not taking in any more information. And I see
this over and over again. This is really the one thing I see people
do for years and they’re not getting out of it. And it’s not that I’m that naive to
think that I don’t do this at all, but I see the difference. I see what I
was doing five years ago, four years ago, even one year ago, and how I get better at this and every
time I get to reduce this aspect of my thinking, my life really improves and
I’m not just talking about how you feel. This happens automatically as a byproduct. I’m saying my real life improved. That
means my relationships are better, that I have more income. That
means I have more freedom. That means I get to talk and speak about
things that really mattered to me and the impact I have on the
world gets better. Right? So this is why I want to talk to you
about this because you can do this too. If I can do it, you can do it. But it’s important to understand what
we’re doing wrong here. So as I said, introvert intuition and
introverted thinking, the loop is that you actually keep on
doing those two things without going through the second function. The second function in our
case is extroverted feeling, and please don’t understand
what F E is really about. It’s not about creating harmony. It’s not about making other
people feel understood or seen. This is what you can do with F E. These
are the results you can get with F E. But very often this is actually not
the thing we should be doing because creating harmony means I’m not
disrupting what’s already going on. And in a lot of cases we’re not doing it. Not because what we see
is already so beautiful, but because we’re so afraid of
adding our own F E of our own values. Because whatever is going
on in your N I mind, and maybe you have even
thought it through to T I, so you already got a system in it. You already understand how your
life is working on the inside. As long as you’re not expressing that
and you’re expressing that through F E so by you living out your truth, right? So you showing up no matter where
you’re at and not hiding who you are. So showing the aspects of
you that you really like, talking about the things
that really matter to you. See a lot of people in a lot of INFJs
believe that you just showing up and being the most authentic you and
really not hiding who you are. So not trying to make people think
you’re really kind or not trying to make people think that you’re
really intellectual or
that you got all your stuff figured out. But I really mean just showing up and
being as excited about your own life as possible. You, just showing up
there, that’s what creates F E. The way you speak. You know 95% of everything we
expressing ourselves is not verbal. So this happens automatically, but most
of the time we are hiding this aspect. We’re hiding it because we
fear abandonment because we
fear it’s not good enough and we fear that once we actually
express that what happens? You cannot take any more information
in and that will actually make you T I, not be able to synthesize
as much as it wants to. I’m going to give you an example on
this cause it might get a little tricky. So let’s say you have a person in your
life that you are mentally interested in and you want them to understand that
you’re such a good person and you understand them so deeply and you can
bring so much value to their life and you do that by really trying to
understand them deeply. Similarly, it can be that you want to understand
your boss really well so you can be the best employee he has ever had that you’re
there to actually support his vision and therefore you get promoted
and it’s a win win situation. See, in most of those cases, the
attentions are not bad. Not at all. They don’t have to be. Of course, when you have this person that you’re
interested in and you want to understand them, it’s because you want
to help them to degree, but never ever underestimate that you’re
also doing it for what it will give you. You’re doing this because you
want that person to think you’re kind, that you’re smart, that
you’re there for them, that you bringing them value because on
some level we believe that this is the only way we are going to be liked. The
truth is that we deserve to be liked, to be loved, to be respected.
For us, being ourselves, for us going on our road, on our
adventure, on creating our Epic life. Yes, we have people on the left and on the
right and we’re gonna be there for them. But if you are not okay with you fighting
for yourself and to be okay for that person to like you for that you way
more likely to get into the NI-TI loop because this combination gives you the
illusion of understanding that other person better, but when you
get to a point where you know, I don’t need to convince
anybody of anything, I don’t need them to really like me. I don’t need them to think I’m cool or
great or whatever it is because I know I am because I’m doing the things
that make my life better. You stop going into this NI-TI
loop in order to understand them. You do your own thing and then
the people will like and love you. For you loving yourself. This is
actually all of it in a nutshell, right? This is actually, if
you understood this concept, you wouldn’t even worry about the NI-TI
loop because you already know what the right direction is and the right direction
is of course to step into your F E and your S E more, but let’s go back to the moment where
the NI-TI loop is still present. What happens in that moment is that you
absorb everything you know about that person. That is what an N
I is about. It’s a sponge, you have this vacuum and you really allow
all that information that that person gives you to come into your system.
That is what N I is all about. You pick up so many cues
of how the person speaks, what they really talk about, how they
show up, how they hold their body, posture, whatever it is. It’s all N
I and you really absorb all of that. T I is the function that
gives sense to all of it. Before that it’s just information
and it doesn’t mean anything. T I, so your introverted thinking really
gives context to the situation. So everything you’ve learned so far
allows you to put this in perspective. It’s similar to saying I’m
listening to a new language. I’ve never listened to you or I’ve never
heard or I have no connection with. Let’s say Chinese. I have no
understanding of Chinese language. So let’s say I would listen to
that. I would still hear the sounds, I would hear the syllables. That’s it.
If I would’ve learned Chinese so far, it would be my T I who makes
sense out of everything. It’s my T I who understands that
this person was just saying, hello, how was your day? Right? This is T I and it’s the same thing
if you have that person next to you. So let’s say somebody you’re manically
interested in or your boss or a group of people. So even if you’re, for example, at your job and you just want to be
part of the group that is already there, your N I takes on all the information
and your T I tries to understand it. And what happens in most of the is
that at some point you hit a roadblock, meaning you feel like, okay, so I’ve
done everything that they wanted, I’ve done and showed up as the person
would fit perfectly into this group. I’ve done it all and they still don’t
accept me. They still don’t think, Oh, she’s so cool or he’s so smart. Or
that person would be such a leader, they don’t. So what has
been wrong in my thinking, and this is where the NI-TI loop starts. What’d you do at this moment is that
you try to understand it even better. You don’t put any more information
into your system. Or maybe if you do, it’s because you tried
to absorb even more. You try to actually remove everything
else from your life so you allow more N I information to come into your system. Although you probably already absorbed
98% of everything you could because N I is like that. You get it right away. Yes, maybe when you talk a little
bit longer to a person, when you have more information, of
course it fills up more and more, but you try to make meaning out
of it and you go deep, deep, deep. So you try to understand even more
details about that person so you can get a better understanding of how you can
show up and give them what they want. But in most cases, if it doesn’t
work out in the beginning, so in the first five
minutes or for example, let’s say that person thought you were
so great and then for some reason they left you, they have no interest in what you have
to say anymore and you trying to solve that situation, you try to
understand it even better. You will get further and further away
from reality because you’re not putting anything new into your system. You’re
just trying to understand it better. But T is not that strong in you. It’s
the third function. You might feel like, Oh, I’m so great at this. I can
understand system so well. Yes you can. Nobody says that you can’t, but if you
would have a really, really strong T I, you wouldn’t stand in that situation
and would try to understand that person because your T I would be strong
enough to say, well, this is who I am. If they don’t really want to be around me, then there’s no reason for
me to try to understand this. If your own understanding of who you
are in a concept is really strong and solid, at some point you stop
trying to understand because
the truth of the matter is that for some reason you have made some
kind of conclusion that is just wrong. This is where our T I really messes
with us because let’s say you see that person and you think,
Oh, me and that person, we could have this great future together. Why don’t they understand and you try
to understand them better and you really narrow it down. You get more ideas and more details
when you’ve been wrong all along, when there has been some kind
of conclusion that you’ve
made along the way that really got you on this road. And this road doesn’t lead you anywhere
because otherwise wouldn’t keep doing and trying to understand this. And
this can be about not just people, it can be that you have this task and
you feel like I have to understand this task perfectly because it’s not leading
to a solution. So what do you do? You go even deeper of trying to understand
it and get more details when the mistake has been made way before because
your T I is just not that strong to make the right conclusions at any
time. If you only rely on this, as I said, this does not mean that
you can’t have success in your life, that you’re not really smart. It
doesn’t say anything about it. You can be really smart and
half T I is your third function, but your intelligence is not used in
the best way possible for you because you’re neglecting to actually step into
F E to actually create an environment that allows you to use T I as much to
your capacity as you need it and not more than that. F E is your strength.
F E is stronger in you. F E is the thing that will actually allow
you to get new information into your system and it doesn’t leave the door
open for your T I to just go crazy and to think things through over and over
again why things happen. For example, let’s say you are in an
emotional abusive relationship. You’re T I would be the thing that
would think, what have you done wrong? You’ve done everything to make that
person happy. Why are they not happy? This is your T I going over and over
again when your F E should be the thing that says, listen, there is an emotional
atmosphere that I will actually create. Remember the second function
is your creative function. So you say through my F E I’m going to
create an emotional atmosphere that is solid and I’m not allowing anybody to
cross that or change that about me. And if this atmosphere is you
feeling, I’m good who I am, I don’t feel guilty because I’m not
doing everything for that person. I don’t feel responsible for everybody
and I don’t need to think through why that person is actually a good person and
why they have such good intentions and the list goes on and on. I already know that if
somebody is treating me in a
way where I don’t feel good about myself, I close the door. I don’t allow my N I to be even more open
and take on information that I know is not beneficial for me. Because if you try, you will find a way to make that person
be the good guy in your scenario. Although they’re treating you badly. And the same thing is with
somebody you’re interested in. Why in the world would you keep using
your T I to trying to understand and when they have already shown you that you being
yourself and not trying to understand is not enough for them. You need people in your life and it
doesn’t matter if it’s your boss, it doesn’t matter if it’s your friends. You need people in your life who want to
see you succeed, want to see you happy, and they want to be around you while
you are actually expressing yourself the best way you can. And most of the time when you’re in
situations where you have to actually tap into T I, it’s because
you’re not living out draffy. You’re not living out who you really are. You don’t want them to see that because
you feel the moment you actually make them see that first off they gonna stop
sharing so you’re not going to have more information and you can’t really
understand them better. And secondly, they probably will abandon you because
this part of you is actually not that nice. This is what we’re
so scared of. Specifically. If you actually use F E in combination
with S E it can be so hard to get this concept through to people. I know it would really hard for me to
accept that because I remember years ago when I was really in the
biggest NI-T`I loop of my life. This was probably the time two years
prior to me starting this channel. Two years when I really said
that’s it, I had a reality break. I had completely knocked myself out. I’ve taken myself out of reality as in
the only way I’ve really interacted with my environment was
really the bare minimum. I would always wanted to listen to music
because it would help me escape from reality and therefore I could actually
absorb even more of other people’s emotional state through my N I and T I
could understand it and I remember to this day that my best friend always came
up to me. She is an IFP and she said, why do you need to understand what’s
going on? And no matter what she said, I didn’t care. I knew that there’s some magical thing
that I would understand that would make my life so perfect. And because I have this
gift of understanding people
so deeply that I had to find a solution and I had
to find it through actually
thinking about it over and over again. I was over
estimating my third function. I was overestimating that I made a
mistake and my thinking early on and that mistake was to think that that person
could actually bring value to my life and that it was completely okay to
neglect myself and to focus on them. That in itself is already a T I solution. It’s already something that
was in my system back then. I lived by the rules of your
marker. You neglect yourself, therefore you can help others.
This is how you function. People like you because you focus on
them because you bring value to them. You’re the only one who can understand
it and that’s how you’re going to get love. That’s how you’re going to get
respect. How people are gonna like you. Cause I didn’t have the self confidence
to know if I focus on myself and I do what I want, this isn’t going to
be enough. This is what I thought. I didn’t have the confidence
to think it is enough. Right. So I kept on doing this and so
my system was already flawed. It was because those were
the things I lift by. Nowadays I know there’s always
a better system I get to create, but in order to do that, I need to actually fill up my system with
new information and I do this through actually being more into my S E as
an I see the reality for what it is. I move forward in that reality. I create something new that wasn’t in my
reality so far because being around new people, having new experiences,
improving in any kind of capacity, no matter what it is, allows me to have new information
that I can put into my system. And at the same time, and this is
probably the most important thing, there was a barrier of F E I have set. There was a part of me that I allowed
to be influenced by other people’s emotional states and the way I
interpreted that through my T I, but the moment I said, this is it, there’s really this part of me
that I’m not sharing with anybody. And I remember back then reading this
comment, I think it was Mary J Blige. She talked about heartbreak that
she had early on and she said, there is a part of me I just don’t
share with anybody that is just me. This is not something that
is open for discussion. And I remember vividly how I read this
and I thought, what a horrible life, how can it be that you don’t want to share
the deepest parts of you with others? What is my life worth if I can’t do that? And I’ve had really intense
loving relationships when
I was younger and so I was addicted to this and I thought, this
is the worst thing you could do. Like what kind of life do you have then? Now I know it better and I
really don’t think I’m better. I actually have learned to love myself
because if you feel like you and I is this vacuum, it allows you to
absorb so much of other people. There’s this part of me, the deepest part that I get to love that
I get to the side how I want to feel in here. Because if you allow everybody to have
an influence on the deepest parts of you, you also allow that your deepest
part feels bad about yourself, that you’re full of shame, full of guilt. Because if you have somebody who wants
you to feel bad and you allow them to enter this part of you, this
is what’s going to happen. And that person might do it not because
they’re bad people or they want bad things for you, but just because they feel that themselves
and you absorb that part into you. And the moment you set
up this F E barrier, it means that there is an emotional
atmosphere that you create, that you’re going to show up with, with
absolutely every person in your life. So I mean your mom, I mean your
kids. I mean your best friend, your partner, your boss. There’s one part of you that is just not
up for discussion and this is something you have to set for yourself because
once I got into the deepest part of the NI-TI loop. Let’s not forget that
you really go more into F I as well, so this is a shadow function. I know an
NBTI, we don’t really speak about that, but if you look into sociology
so you understand it more, you get more and more emotional.
Everything gets melodramatic, everything gets really intense and there
is a beauty in it and we get addicted to that, but it just keeps
making you more miserable. Maybe more emotional, but
more miserable and sad. The solution is actually the F E. It’s actually something that might seem
superficial at first is a version of you that says, I need to be respected.
It’s a version of you that says, I need to be heard. It’s
a version of you saying, I deserve people to be kind to me. And you go through life and this is
just not for the bait and this can feel extremely superficial. It can feel scary and it could feel like
a lie because if on some level you feel like, well, it’s okay for people to
treat me not kindly because
on some level I’m just not a kind person. You allow people
to treat you like this. It might feel like you’re
putting on this mask, so I’m supposed to go through
life and put on this mask. Isn’t that me not being real and
me not being myself? Yes, it is. This is exactly what it
means to be yourself because
you’re not hiding this part anymore from anybody. You know that this is something you have
decided for yourself. You have said, this part of me, I’m
gonna love for myself. I’m going to set the direction here
for this is how I want to feel, and this is so uniquely you. It’s also an emotional state that
you just decide how you want to feel. And in the beginning, as I said, it might
feel like you’re putting on a front, but before you know it, this front has become part of your
identity and this front isn’t the front at all. It’s just you loving
yourself and saying, this is how I’m going to show up in
the world and this is who I want to be. And part of the thing that I started
actually living out was also my S E my extroverted sensing in
a way of my strength. I didn’t show up as somebody
who could take so much. I showed up as a version that was strong
and people were supposed to see this when before. I didn’t want to actually
show up with that version of myself. That is strong because I felt
people will think I’m unlovable. I’m way too harsh, I’m selfish, I’m not
kind. I’m not thinking about others. When in the end all I wanted to do is
just for others to make me feel like I’m a good person for others to give me the
feedback and the appreciation that I really am kind and philosophical and deep, but if you already know that you are
and you don’t need other people’s validations, you’re going to show up in a different
way because I know the best way for me to really help people is not to stay stuck
with people over here that really don’t treat me well just in order to get
their feedback that I’m a good person, that I’m really taking care
of them. I actually, no, no, I’m going to cut this off because this
might look like I’m not a good person. That person might even feel
that I’m not a good person, but I know I am and because I know I am,
I love myself enough to cut this off, to set up this F E world that is really
undebatable of me showing up in a way that will not change. That is
something how I feel the best. And because I do this, I get
to actually help more people. I get to help people who
actually want my help, who appreciate my help and who helped me
grow even more so I can help even more people. So this is the system
of the cup that’s overflowing. So start small but start because this
is the thing that most people are completely oblivious to. It doesn’t matter if you’re an INFJ or
another personality type stepping into the third function and
neglecting to actually live
out your second really messes up everything. So this is really
something that I started to do actively. I’ve found ways to express myself, not just verbally but me to show up
in the world and to have more impact. And it does not mean that you have to
be in the public eye or anything like this. It just means that you
keep getting in situations. You keep talking to people, you
keep improving your environment, the people you hang around with,
whatever it is that is important to you, your job, that you get
to improve all of this. And through that you get to apply more
of who you really are to the world. You contribute more and more because
who you are, what you have to offer, that’s a gift to the world. It’s not something you should be
ashamed of because the more you neglect yourself, the smaller you make yourself. The more you try to dim your
light so other skin shine, the less you’re actually giving
to the world. The world needs you. It needs your energy. It
needs who you really are. It needs you expressing yourself in the
best way you can right now and through that you create this positive circle
of influence. You feel more alive, you feel more connected because then
you’re really connecting with absolutely everybody who wants to connect with you
with this deepest part of yours that you have decided to be and
you put that out there. There are aspects of you that you know
very well who you want to be and how you want to be treated. This is not
something you have to worry about. Oh, I don’t really know who I am. Yes, you do. On some level you already know and you
already know things that you might even be oblivious about. So for example,
you want people to respect you. Everybody who doesn’t respect you, stop trying to understand why they don’t
respect you or what you did wrong in order to cause that yes, you might make a couple of mistakes
by not thinking things through, but in the long run, in
the big scheme of things, you’ll create so much better things.
You don’t need to understand everything. I don’t need to understand somebody who’s
being emotionally abusive towards me. I don’t need to understand
what happened here. Oh, why they’ve become this way and
that I should help them. No, because this is going against this
version of myself that I have said I will create and this version of me
doesn’t allow this. It’s okay. You don’t need to understand
everybody and everything. Rather focus on expressing yourself
and you’ll see how your life will start making sense much more than you ever
thought it could really tried because this is the Holy grail. This is why
I’m so passionate about what I do. This is why I have the five
pillars to an Epic life system. Because through expressing yourself in
combination with extroverted sensing, as in using your force, using to
make a difference in the real world, you really get to create a version
of yourself that keeps contributing, that keeps growing and makes you happy.
So if you haven’t done that already, download the free poster on the
five pillars to an Epic life. And if you’re ready to take the next step, sign up for the Epic life master
class or work with me privately. All the information you find below. And if you want to watch another video
now that is in alignment with today’s topic. Watch my video on the killer
combo. F E and S E will rock your world. Like always guys, I wish you
a wonderful day, a great week, and I talk to you next time. Bye.

14 thoughts on “INFJ DEPRESSION – Kick the NI-TI LOOP to the Curb

  1. Trying to get back to a sense of normalcy. I was in the loop for several months. I started a new job last January; was supposed to be a big deal to be working for this new place. Turns out the owner was a narcissist and it took me way too long to figure it out. I drove myself crazy trying to get him to realize my value. I quit at the end of November; I could not take it any longer. I told him I felt like I was a square peg trying to hammer myself into his round hole. Although it has been several months, it has been a challenge getting back to myself. Thank you for the video!

  2. Currently going through this at my work. We just got a new employee that is very stubborn and older than me. I am the manager and try to get him to do what I want for the sake of the company and have had difficulty so I assumed I needed to understand him better. I can tell I'm not getting though, in the fact the opposite is happening because I think he can tell I'm not being as straight forward I as I want to be and come off phony. While some more understanding might be helpful the more important thing is to be less afraid of confrontation and direct about what needs to happen. Time to tap into my FE more! Thanks for another amazing video, always hitting topics i need to work on!

  3. About audio quality: there is annoying echo, maybe consider trying better microphone or have some audio guys to clear the background echo noise from audio track. That way headset/headphone users would be happier and it will be more enjoyable to listen to your voice as well as absorb information easier

  4. I'm in a loop because I stay in shit jobs/people that don't treat me well because I need the money. I'm an artist and for me all jobs are draining my energy.

  5. I have always tried to understand and drove myself to misery. Sometimes I have to remind myself to move on and let go of things. I focus on the things that are important to me and leave behind the things not worthy of my time. So far, I am happier. I don鈥檛 feel as isolated.

  6. deep deep deep. the missing information needed for infj which is suppiled thru Fe is abt the CHANGES. infj doesn't really like changes . infj likes to keep things static so that they can keep things under control. unfortuneately life is more dynamic than that.

  7. When I reach a certain level of stress it triggers my Ni-Ti loop. And I spiral downward to a regression in my psychology. Three things that can make it stop are 1. Hearing myself talk it out loud with someone, I can better understand a new insights, but I recently detox from my toxic friends, and maybe just have one person to express myself ; 2. My Ni-Ti loop is searching for one solution, and once I find it I can come out of it; 3. Door slam, or using a personal boundary by saying no to the stress, then replaying that interaction with my boundary function to tweak it diplomatically.
    I agree that seeking validations from others is people pleasing, lowering my value to others, and stop seeking validations, a zen-like state of self confidence, being comfortable in my own skin took over, it felt like a new level in my INFJ evolution. I switch to an internal locus of control mindset.
    What I dislike is becoming aware that I'm in my Ni-Ti loop, and i can't stop it until it runs its course, but you provided more insights about tossing back in my Fe and that new awareness can help when I become self aware that, Damn it, I doing it again, my Ni Ti loop.
    It's about saying no to myself as in self discipline, just sucks being aware I'm in it yet it keeps going.I just thought of a fourth option… try getting back into the "present" moment, because when I force myself to go for a walk and notice my immediate surroundings, or bike ride listening to my music while concentrating on the traffic, being in the present time frame stops my Ni-Ti loop. Would that be tossing in my Se into the loop?

    Thanks for lighting the darkness with a torch and showing us the way.. very INFJ of you.

  8. This video helped me to see three things. (1) Why I had a lot of my relationship problems in the past and (2) Why I'm not having them now and (3) How to prevent them from happening again.

  9. Our 3rd function is actually our worst function, not our 4th. You KNOW your 4th function is bad. But you THINK your 3rd function is good and it's not.

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