i tried to kill myself…again [cc]


Hi my name is Kav and I
tried to kill myself. That was a horrible way to start this video and I
sincerely apologize, but I literally had no idea how to start this video because I am incredibly
uncomfortable and I feel super awkward right now, so I just decided to dive
headfirst right into it. I am sitting in the corner of my room which is where I
filmed my hiatus video which I also felt extremely uncomfortable and awkward
filming, so this is now my token spot for videos I don’t want to film, so that’s
exciting, I guess. But what I said is true in the intro. That
happened – I did attempt suicide, and I am going to be talking about that in this video. I
guess what I should start with for this video is a major content warning because obviously
this video is going to deal with what could potentially be some triggering
content. I’m going to be talking about suicide in this video, potentially
depression, self-harm, trauma. I don’t really know what it’s going to cover; I
will have a list of what potentially triggering content this video covers in
the description below, so please read that and care for your mental health
first. Take care of your mental health because I don’t want to potentially
cause anyone any harm. That is by no means my intention with this video, so
just take care of your mental state. Know what head space you’re in because you
deserve to consume content that will benefit you and that will do good things
for you. Now, if you are in the right headspace I would really appreciate you watching this video because while I know it is going to be somewhat of a
ramble-y mess as I am very uncomfortable and I feel super awkward filming this, I also
feel that I have some important things to say because I have a lot of thoughts
around this topic as someone who has a lot of experience with it. But obviously
that is only if you’re in the right headspace – if you feel that this content
will trigger you, take care of yourself first, that is most important. But if
you are in the right headspace, I would appreciate you sticking around and
watching till the end of this mess of a video because even though
I haven’t filmed it yet, I know it’s going to be a disastrous mess. I don’t really know where to begin with this video –
my last video was a video that addressed my “unofficial hiatus” from booktube and I call
it an unofficial hiatus because I never intended to take a break from booktube, it kind of just
happened, hence why the video came at what was intended to be the end of the
hiatus. It didn’t end up being the end because it is now a month later that my
next video is coming out, but I feel that this is a relatively good excuse for me
not having posted another video, so I’m gonna let myself call this an okay excuse.
You know I feel like this is a decent excuse. But what that video talked
about was the fact that I was going through a really major depressive
episode, so I feel like a lot of that will help explain what led up to my
suicide attempt, but it doesn’t get to all of what I want to talk about in this
video because obviously in that video I didn’t know I was gonna attempt suicide.
I’ve talked about mental health before on my channel because that’s stuff I live
with in my day-to-day life. I have multiple mental illnesses, so I’ve made
content about that. And I’ve also talked about my first time attempting
suicide which was when I was 14 about to turn 15 – it was like a week before my
15th birthday that I first attempted suicide – and that was essentially just a
case of self-harm taken too far. I’m not gonna really talk about it any more than
that because I don’t think it’s really appropriate to talk about the methods of
suicide. I personally don’t mind talking about it with like close friends
and stuff, but I don’t want to give anyone who may have suicidal thoughts
any, like, ideas or potentially trigger anyone. We’re not gonna 13 Reasons Why
this shit, so I’m not gonna talk about any of that stuff in detail. That’s
all I’m gonna say about that. I blacked out and it got messy, let’s just leave it
at that. What I just want to make known about that attempt is that it wasn’t
premeditated because I don’t think that I revealed that on my channel and that’s
essentially what I want to share about that attempt because it
gets into what I want to talk about about this attempt because this one was
premeditated. I attempted for the second time on February 10th.
Like I said, that was a premeditated attempt. I technically planned it out the night before,
but I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation since I was 12 years old, so, like, I’ve come up with
“plans” multiple times in my life. I’ve never acted out until now. Lately, when
I’ve had suicidal ideation, all of the thoughts I’ve had have essentially led
up to what created this plan for this latest attempt. I did write a suicide
note, it was four pages long, it was hella long, it covered a lot of ground. It
was like a monologue of why I wanted to kill myself, so I have a lot of thoughts
on suicide. Not just as someone who has been suicidal, but just also as someone
who has seen a lot of people with mental health issues and who has studied psych
to an extent. As someone who is an activist, I have a lot of thoughts about
this kind of stuff. And then especially as someone who has been suicidal,
I especially have a lot of thoughts about this stuff and that’s really why I
wanted to make this video. It’s not to harm anyone, it’s not to trigger anyone,
and it’s not really to necessarily “teach” anyone either; it’s to be honest about my
own story because I need that to help myself, and it’s also to potentially help other people who are in the same place as me because what I have faced as someone who has attempted suicide is that it is really fucking lonely. Yes, I am very lucky that there are people in my life who want to
be supportive and who want to help, but it is a very small club of people who
get this. And of course you never want to wish anyone to understand what it means
to truly understand suicide – like you don’t want anyone to understand it, but
at the same time you want people to understand it, and
it’s a horrible situation to live in. But essentially what I really want to do is
hopefully lessen that loneliness for someone else and make them feel like
they’re less alone in this world, and maybe someone out there will reach out
to me so I’ll feel less alone in this world and that’s, I guess, kind of more
what I want to accomplish with this video. I want to talk a little bit about how I felt leading
up to the attempt and I don’t want to talk about that because I want to make anyone who’s
in my life feel bad because I want to talk a little bit about my emotions in terms of other
people and I really want to emphasize that I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone
at all. That is not my intention. And I’m not even saying that what I felt was
rational. Depression brain, even like, emotional brain is not always rational.
Your feelings aren’t always rational, and feelings aren’t necessarily right or
wrong. All I am saying is that these are the feelings I felt. I’m not saying that
they made sense. I’m not saying they were necessarily correct. I’m just trying to
express that this is what I experienced. I’m not necessarily saying that this
should make anyone else feel bad. I’m not saying that these feelings necessarily
even make sense. I just want to put that out there
because I don’t really want to make anyone else feel bad. I’m just sharing my
feelings. That’s all. Leading up to the attempt, I really,
truly felt like no one would miss me if I was gone. In the very core of my being, I felt that. That’s
rough. I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that I felt like no one was
reaching out to me because personally I felt like I was screaming out for help
and that I was not getting any responses in return. Because I was posting shit on
Twitter like in the middle of the night and I was like I’m really depressed. That’s not
essentially what I was saying, but I was basically saying stuff that kind of
signified how bad I was doing and no one was reaching out to me, so in turn, I felt
like that meant no one cared about me. Now, logically, I know that a lot of
people scream into the void on Twitter and a lot of times people just yell on
Twitter. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re truly doing so bad. But my
depression brain doesn’t understand that, so I felt super lonely. And then
especially, like, when I cross-posted those to my Instagram stories and no one
there reached out to me, it just felt so lonely and it felt like no one cared.
That’s truly how I felt in those moments. Even when I could logically understand
that ‘okay, maybe on Twitter people just scream into the void and it becomes a
cesspool of a bunch of depressed people just yelling.’ Then, I wrote my article
that was about my depression, and this is an article that I wrote for Brown Girl
Magazine which is a magazine I write for. It was an article that was essentially
about living with depression. Essentially, the gist of that article was that ‘I feel
like I’m never gonna be out of this,’ and I’m pretty sure the last line of that
article is something like ‘I feel like I’m living my worst nightmare and I feel
like I won’t ever wake up,’ or something along those lines. Even after that
article, barely anyone reached out to me, and that made me feel really shitty
because I could maybe logically understand that ‘okay
people on Twitter might not reach out to me because we’re all yelling about being
depressed on Twitter,’ but I went out of my way to write this article. That was me
really trying to scream for help and when no one reached out to me, I felt
like that truly meant I was alone because that was me attempting to scream
at for help. Now does that mean that I was asking for help in the right ways,
does that mean that nobody truly cared? No, I’m not saying that it was rational
thinking; I’m just saying that’s how I thought. And I posted that article
everywhere. I truly do believe it was an important article and I’m really proud of
myself for writing it. And I posted that article everywhere, like I also
posted on my Facebook and my Snapchat where I generally don’t post anything. I
did that because I wanted my friends and my family and such to see it as well.
Only one family member reached out to me about the article and that really hurt
me. I expected more people from my family to reach out and when only one family
member reached out I felt, honestly, like I had been punched in the gut and that was
really hard for me because there were, like, some cousins and stuff in my family
who I felt close to who didn’t reach out after that article. And I don’t know
maybe they never saw it, maybe they never read it – I don’t know the situation, but
in that moment when I was super depressed, when I had gone out of my way
to post that article everywhere, I felt even more lonely; that’s just when I’m
trying to express. I’m not trying to put blame or guilt on those people at all.
I’m just trying to express that in that moment because of where my brain was,
because it wasn’t functioning rationally, that’s how I felt. I really struggle with asking for help. I struggle
with going to someone and saying I need help, so instead what I do is I go to something like fucking
Twitter or Instagram or something and then I, like, post some weird cryptic tweet that’s
like ‘I’m really depressed’ and then I expect someone to reach out and then when they
don’t I’m like ‘oh, no one cares about me,’ instead of like actually just going to a
friend and being like ‘yeah so I’m not feeling too hot right now would you mind
talking to me?’ Again I’m not saying that that was rational thinking at all. I’m
just trying to express that in the moments leading up to my attempt, even
though it wasn’t necessarily the right way, I felt that I was making attempts
and I felt that the people in my life weren’t meeting me halfway and because
of that, I felt like no one would care about me if I was gone. But then on the
other side of that there are also the thoughts of, like, ‘well I’m a burden for
having mental illness,’ so then on the rare occasions where, like, there were
people in my life like my sister and stuff who did reach out to me and who
did care, my thoughts were like ‘but I’m a burden for having mental illnesses, no one
wants me in their life, they’re better off without me here.’ That’s such a
weird fucking dichotomy to live in – like no one cares about me, but also in the
moments where they do care, I’m a burden for existing. That’s a horrible dichotomy
to live in because you can’t exist in either side. It’s like you’re just
swimming from both sides of the pendulum and it sucks. Then there was also just a
huge sense of hopelessness. I have been in treatment since I was 14 – since a year
before my first suicide attempt. I started treatment at the beginning of high
school and I’ve been dealing with mental illness since I was like, I don’t know, 10,
or something. I am now 18. I’ve been in treatment for almost five years. I’ve
been dealing with this shit for, like, eight years now and I’m still dealing
with it. Leading up to this attempt, I just felt really hopeless. I felt like it
wasn’t going to get better. I’ve been doing it for so long and I’ve been
putting in the work – I’ve been going to the therapy, I’ve been taking my
medication; I’ve been doing the work, but it’s not getting better and that’s how I
felt, and it just felt so hopeless. I mean it was exactly like what I wrote in that
article – it felt like I was just existing in this nightmare and like I was never gonna wake up.
I felt like I couldn’t live like that anymore. I mean also living in this world is really fucking
hard too because even living in this world can feel hopeless at times. I mean if you look
at the political state of the world – it is so jarring to exist in it, and that in
itself is enough to make someone hopeless, and then you would throw the
mental illness shit on top of it and that just makes it so much harder and
that’s kind of what I was going through. There was also just so much pressure
coming in from everywhere. I felt like there was all this pressure on me to be
okay. I felt like there were all these expectations on me to be happy, to be
okay, to succeed in college, for everything to be fine, and it wasn’t and
I didn’t know how to deal with all of that. I felt like I was supposed to be
okay and I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t okay. I couldn’t handle
it anymore. And so, I snapped. And I feel like, now, on
the other side of this, it’s almost harder in a way. I feel like people
almost want me to be better, but I feel like it’s harder to come out on the
other side. I feel like people’s expectation is that suicide is a
wake-up call or that you’re like ‘oh I’m so grateful it didn’t work and now I’m
thankful for my life’ or something like that, but that’s…that’s not the reality.
Just because the attempt didn’t work doesn’t mean the factors that made me
want to take my own life just disappeared. They didn’t just, like, fade
away because the attempt didn’t work. They exist just as much as they did
before, and now I’m here living a life that I didn’t think would exist. That’s a
hard thing for even me to reconcile with, let alone, like, the people in my life,
like how do you live when you didn’t think your life would be there? I didn’t know
today would be real, like what do I do with it? Sometimes it feels like there’s even more pressure because people are watching me even more now that they know and it’s like ‘oh I have to get
better.’ With all that pressure on me… that’s what was part of the problem. Like
I said, I have a lot of thoughts about suicide. There are all these thoughts
about safety and I have a lot of thoughts about them. And it’s not that I
don’t understand that safety is important because trust me I understand
that safety is important; I 100% get that. But, I feel like in this society we have
a tendency to care about suicide when the act happens, but we forget that there
are the things that led to the person wanting to kill themselves. Yes, we need
safety. In the immediate aftermath, safety is the priority. But what we really need
to go after is why did that person want to kill themselves? Why do we live in a
society that is driving so many people to this point of wanting to take their
own life? Maybe that’s what we need to be fixing. Part of what I wrote in my suicide note was that I felt like there were gonna be people who were gonna turn, well what I thought was gonna be my
death, into their tragedy when they were never there when I was alive and I was suffering. I felt
like I was screaming when I was suffering and I felt like there were
gonna be people who were gonna be like ‘oh this person killed themselves and now
that’s my tragedy.’ Because when I was suffering it was fine because I was
suffering in silence and it didn’t matter, it only mattered when I tried to
take my own life. And that’s how I felt. And I’m not saying that that’s 100%
accurate, but I do think that to some point, that’s how society sees
suicide because we see suicide as this weak or cowardly thing, but it almost
feels like it’s the only option or the last resort or an escape from a world of
pain. And that’s not true – it’s not logical and it’s not true, but that’s how
people in that moment see it. We need to, instead, change the system so that people
aren’t driven to that point. We need to make it easier for people to live happy,
fulfilling lives, so that they’re not suffering. And so that they’re not
suffering in silence – if they are suffering, need to be able to find access
to the resources to help them and then to have access to a happy and fulfilling
life. Yeah, the number of people who have attempted suicide, it is an elite club of
us, but it’s getting bigger. And I’m one of the lucky ones –
I have access to treatment, I’m in treatment now. I’m taking the rest of
this academic year off of college and I’m in a really intensive treatment
program that is basically offering me every kind of therapy modality. It is
hell because recovery always gets worse before it gets better, but I’m still one
of the lucky ones because at least this means that I have a chance of getting
better. But there are so many people out there who don’t even have access to
regular therapy, let alone something this intense. It really breaks my heart and I fucking hate the system. I mean I was put on a 5150 hold
after my attempt because I was taken to the hospital. The nurses, the doctor there
were great. They were all brilliant. The psychiatrist there was absolute shit.
He was so horrible that I couldn’t even imagine it. I had mentally prepared for a
not good psychiatrist because I know that the psychiatrists at these kinds of
hospitals generally aren’t very good, but I wasn’t expecting someone that bad. I
couldn’t reconcile with how bad the psychiatrist was. While I know that there
are so many issues in the mental healthcare system, I mean, in the
healthcare system overall, I was so shocked with how terrible that
psychiatrist was, with how he spoke to me as a patient who had just attempted
suicide, and I am so grateful that I have a good treatment team – both within
this new treatment center I’m in and within my other outpatient treatment
team. I am very fucking grateful that I have them. If that had been my
introduction to care for mental health, I don’t know what would have happened. Yeah,
I don’t really know how I’m doing right now. I’m in intensive treatment, so I’m
basically just–Jesus…bye–I’m basically just exhausted at all times.
Like I said, recovery always gets worse before it gets better.
I’m very thankful to have access to this treatment, don’t get me wrong. I am so, so,
so grateful that I am one of the lucky ones was access to not even treatment,
but to such good treatment. I’m very grateful for that. I’m very grateful for
my treatment team – they are all brilliant, but it is going to be hard, and I’m still
struggling, and I don’t really know man. As for booktube…as I said in my last
video, I had a Chain of Gold series planned. That is still happening. It’s not
a month-long series, but there are three Chain of Gold videos, at the very least,
that I have coming out over the next week. My current plan is to do Wednesday,
Saturday, Wednesday for these three videos and depending on how things go, I
may very well do more to Chain of Gold-related content because I love Cassandra Clare.
After that, I don’t really know how booktube is going to look. I’m going to
try to challenge myself to film because I love YouTube, I love booktube,
it’s very close to my heart. As you all know, I love my channel, I love
booktube, it’s very important to me. This ending of this video is getting so messy
because the fact that my battery’s about to die is stressing me out so much and I
cannot concentrate on what I’m filming and my cat is meowing like hell so
that’s also distracting me. I’m gonna end the video. If you stayed through this
ramble-y mess of a video, thank you, I really appreciate it. I don’t even know
what’s just happened. If you’re one of the people who has gone above and beyond to
support me during this time – if you have reached out to text or DM me, or if
you have really gone above and beyond, and those of you who did that know who you
are, thank you from the bottom of my heart, really, really thank you, you guys
are fucking stars and I love you so much. All of you who have been supporting my
channel, thank you. All of you have been supporting me on my other social media,
thank you, I love you. You guys make the world a brighter, kinder place, and you
make it worth living. And with that, that is all for this video. I will see you on
Wednesday for some Cassie Clare-related content and goodbye!

26 thoughts on “i tried to kill myself…again [cc]

  1. Thank you so much for talking about this. I hope you have people close to you who are helping you survive and get to a better place.

  2. hugs You are loved and awesome! I had an ex tried to commit suicide when I was 21 and at 24, I'm still reeling from the experience. But just know everything will be ok and keep your head up

  3. Kav, I'm so sorry that you've felt so isolated and lonely. I don't have depression but I do have anxiety/ocd/adhd, so I've gone through times when my anxiety makes me so sick and unable to function. I remember posting something about how bad my mental health was to my friends on snapchat and no one replied. I could barely make it out of bed and to work and feeling like my friends actually didn't care, well, it made reaching out for help so, so hard.

    And it's easy to blame my friends but i definitely know I haven't reached out to other people when they post how they're struggling. Maybe I didn't see it or I just couldn't find the words. I hate how social media connects us but then brings about this intense isolating feeling.

    Anyway, rambling aside, I'm glad you're here today. I'm glad you have Cassandra Clare content to look forward to πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ˜Š and I'm glad you can share your story. You're so brave πŸ™ŒπŸ»

  4. I'm not in the right headspace to watch this video fully, but I wanted to say I'm glad you're here and I hope nothing but good things come your way. β™₯️

  5. I haven't been in the best head-space the last couple of weeks myself. But I want you to know that I understand what you're going through and I'm glad you're here in the book community. πŸ’š Your videos make my day a little bit brighter and happier. πŸ’š I hope in days to come nothing but love, goodness, and light wash over you and make your days a little bit easier.

  6. I really appreciate you making this video. People don't like to acknowledge this heavy stuff very often but we need too. I'm glad you survived and I'm sending you lots of positive and healing energy. I'm an attempt survivor too and I know this time in the aftermath is so awkward and messy because nothing is really different but the world wants you to act like you're A OK. I hope you're able to rest as much as you need to. I'm online a lot if you ever wanna chat with someone who has been there πŸ’—

  7. Kav, I hate the algorithms that make it hard to see what people post so I didn’t see sone of your cries for help. Thank you for making this video. I am so glad you gave such a good team. The road your on is curvy and bumpy and may take some sharp turns but I wish you all the love , light and luck to get to a more healthy you. πŸ’–βœ¨πŸ’–βœ¨πŸ’–

  8. I didn’t watch the whole thing because I didn’t want to trigger myself, but I’m so sorry you felt that way. I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for being so open. That is very brave if you. I wish you nothing but the best from here on!!

  9. Kav you have such a clear proficiency in self-evaluation and you're extremely skilled at perceiving and articulating difficult topics like those you addressed in this video, whether related to larger issues on a global, social scale, or in particular regarding your own feelings and mindset, which is a gift that very few people have (which is what makes you a natural author and creator !!) and it makes me hopeful that your recovery will become an easier battle with time.Β 

    I understand how it must feel so alone to live in a world where few people understand the incredible struggle you're going through; if this makes any sense, I hope that it eases a bit of that loneliness if you allow yourself to think about all the things that people do understand about you, which is that you're intelligent, stunning, passionate, talented, and one of the strongest people I know. The way you carry yourself and the way you speak and the way you smile makes all of this evident and, naturally, it draws people to you.Β 

    You may feel alone but there's an army of people behind you hoping to be supportive in any way they can (myself included), even if they don't know exactly how to reach out and help directly, and even if you yourself don't know how to ask them for help, which is more than understandable. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, and even though I know I can't fight this battle for you, I will be the best fucking hype man you can imagine to help you get through this…………consider that my official application <3 Kav you are a force to be reckoned with, I know your future holds amazing triumphs and even more things to be proud of, and if anyone can kick depression's ass it's u !

  10. I’m glad you’re here! Thank you for being so open.
    You are awesome & a great addition to the world & community. ❀️ πŸ€—
    Always here for you ( @nicolebookish ) & always down to chat anytime you feel lonely or even if you just want fun memes.

  11. I'm just checking in here to say that you are not alone and I'm really sorry that you're going through such a hard time x x x

  12. I love you so much, and you are SO RIGHT about the healthcare system, particularly the mental health care system. I remember when I was in PHP a couple years ago just constantly thinking that I wish that the stuff we had been taught and discussing in the group therapies were taught in schools cuz that stuff CHANGED MY FRIKKING LIFE and if I had had it when I was younger I feel like I would have been a much better happier person. So I get you so hard and relate to you a lot on that, and I hope that your recovery is swift and healthy and that your brain will be less of an ass soon. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  13. I'm so glad you failed at sucide and that your still here. I agree that people think that when you survive an attempt your happy and etc which is not really the case. I feel like this is increased because there's like 1% of people (I'm not 100% sure on the stats but I think it was 1%) who attempt sucide but don't have depression. They do feel grateful they survived and as a wake up call and these narratives get boosted because it makes people feel good to read about someone surviving and being grateful. I'm not saying this is a bad thing or that these narratives shouldn't be discussed at all but I feel it's telling that I could tell you a lot of stories like the one that I described but your the only one I know that doesn't feel that way. 99% or something attempt sucide because of depression yet we hear more about the 1% who don't it's not good.

  14. <3 <3
    I'm really happy that you're here and I do really get the depression brain it's okay for feelings to not make sense as long as they don't make us miserable all the time. Then we need help managing them, but we still can't control them and it sucks. I hope you'll feel better soon, we love you <3

  15. The fact that you are eyeballs deep in recovery and putting such a candid video out there in the hope it helps someone else speaks so much to the quality of your character. From the bottom of my heart I am sending you so much love and hope that you continue to move forward at your own pace, that you are given permission and space to be messy and emotional and have good days and bad days. I am so glad you're still here.

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