Dealing With Chronic Back Pain and Depression. The Dark Side of My Life

my intuition telling me to be better
days for a long time I was scared and 2020 I’m trying not to let fear have an
influence on my decision so you know I saw a video by raw Beauty Kristi
recently and she was talking about some of her health issues and like mental
health issues as well and I’m like you know I maybe it’s time for me to do the
video I’ve been wanting to do to help you guys understand me a little bit more
or help if you want know somebody who’s in chronic pain to be able to understand
them more in what they’re going through but I do want to give a disclaimer I’m
going to be talking about a lot of mental health issues a lot of
not-so-happy things so if that’s not the type of video you’re looking for I check
out one that’s more my more positive videos like knowing your self-worth or
my experience minister for something more lighthearted but this video is not
that so I just wanted to give that disclaimer but if you do like this video
please let me know by giving a thumbs up and don’t forget to subscribe to my
channel before you leave so I suffer from chronic back pain I am in pain 24/7
every day of my life and I injured myself in 2014 so it’s been
almost six years now oh my god it’s only been six years like
it honestly feels like an eternity and it feels like a completely different
life I mean that is because it is a completely different life my life now
after my injury and being in chronic pain is completely different than the
life I had before and I injured myself on the job especially when you work in
critical care like these patients are they have you know the ventilator is
breathing for them they’re sedated they can even be paralyzed like if
they’re on thermia protocol you know so they are completely dependent upon our
care we have to bathe them and we have to reposition them every two hours and
when they’re sedated or paralyzed you know they’re dead weight and patients
have just been getting bigger and bigger and I was you know busine a patient with
attack and I just felt a pop in my back and it didn’t really hurt that night but
I remember I went home and I remember dreaming that I was in like excruciating
pain and I woke up and I was in excruciating pain I couldn’t even get
out of it I knew I had done something really serious in my back I had to be on
light duty for three months and I don’t workmen’s comp
it’s just the biggest it’s the most like corrupt system I’ve ever been a part of
like it is just mind-blowing how they can just blatantly lie so I had an MRI
done in like 2010 because I had been rear-ended ever I was clean like showed
nothing wrong with me okay so then I get an MRI after my injury and it shows I
have herniated disc from l1 to s6 and the workman’s comp doctor literally put
pre-existing for everything how can you they were supposed to be comparing the
two MRIs how can you say that’s pre-existing when the first report
showed nothing wrong and so because of that they would not pay for like any
treatment the only thing they would do was pay for physical therapy and I knew
there was something like so wrong and so after being in light duty for three
months you that’s all you can be in light duty for so then it was like what
they would be giving me because I according to them made too much money I
would only be getting like a very small amount every two weeks so I was like you
know what they’re not doing anything for me anyways I’m just gonna say I’m fine
go back to work and use my own insurance to find out what’s really you know going
on with me so that’s what I did and so I started you know calling some doctors
and making appointments and one of the doctors that I called made an
appointment with was a neurosurgeon that I had worked with at that Hospital and
when I called they were like we can’t just book an appointment for you you
have to send us your MRI first and the doctor has to look at the MRI and make
sure that there’s something that he can do before we schedule an appointment I’m
like okay I mean I was like desperate though cuz I was just in so much pain
but I was like okay I can understand that you know like I don’t want to waste
my time either by going in if there’s nothing he can do for me so they called
me back and they were like how soon can you get in here and so I got in really
got rather quickly and he’s like we need to do this like ASAP or you know you
could be paralyzed like used to the workman’s comp doctor saying oh this is
all pre-existing we can’t do anything for you – okay um you could very well be
paralyzed if we don’t operate so I had a decompression
for Menotomy and i’m microdiscectomy and um after my surgery he came out and
he was like your sciatic nerve was torn apart like I tried to do my best to
repair it but there wasn’t much I could do so then of course I go back to work
and I rehearsed had surgery on so lesson of this video if you want to have an
intact back don’t become a critical-care nurse so that surgery helped a lot with the
neuropathy I was having the nerve pain I was having but then I started getting
this really bad nerve pain like all throughout and it was just the most
excruciating pain and I went and I got another MRI and they were like your
facet joints are extremely inflamed and your facet joints are what you use when
you like twist and bend and basically everything I do at work so first they
started giving me injections and that would only last like two days so then
the next step was to go for radiofrequency ablation which is where
they go in and they burn the nerves around the facet joints too so you don’t
so you can’t feel the pain um so eventually that’s what I started
getting I’ve been getting RF aids because I have to get both sides done
and they can’t do both sides at the same time I end up going about every three
months and I have to get a nerve ablation from l1 to l5 and like it’s no
joke like I have to take a pregnancy test before because I have to be put
under sedation and I just he’s done every three months and it’s like as soon
as that pain comes back I can tell like I’m
and then my energy levels just drop even more
and that is on something else that’s really big with chronic pain like
chronic pain and fatigue go hand in hand and I never really understood it at
first I mean I knew I was exhausted all the time no matter how much I slept I
never felt like refreshed and but now I understand it on like a physical and
biological level so when your body’s in chronic pain you know it’s constantly
sending off like you know cortisol and because it’s inflamed and your body’s
reacting to that pain response so your body’s constantly like in the slider
fight thinking it’s injured because it is injured but when all of those
chemicals or moans are constantly being you know released you you run out of
them and a lot of those like dopamine and norepinephrine or what regulate your
mood so this is why chronic pain and depression also go hand-in-hand but I’m
you know you need like dopamine just to remain like within a normal functioning
like energy level and when all of that is being used in the pain response and
in your body’s reaction to the pain you don’t have anything else left and it’s
just like you know a checking account like you I have so much money is I have
so much energy per day and like 90% of it it’s used by my body just dealing
with the pain and I have a very small amount of energy left to the things that
you know I need to do and I’ve had to learn how to prioritize I mean I can
still be so hard on myself like there days I can’t get out of it and I am just
so hard on myself I’m like oh you’re so lazy but I’m in so much pain where I
can’t pull myself out of it and but I still feel so like worthless
and it’s because our body is constantly in that fight-or-flight when we do sleep
we can never reach like a deep like REM level of sleep so because of that no
matter how much we sleep we are always in a state of total exhaustion like it’s
like my wife is it’s so sad like I go to work my three nights and then like my
first two days off I honestly sleep I sleep for two days straight and like I
just can’t physically get myself out of bed I’m so physically and emotionally
tired from the painting and then working those three nights took like takes so
much out of me and I hate that I hate sleeping so much I’m like there’s so
many things that I need to be doing and one of you doing I have no energy and I
physically cannot get myself out of bed and it’s another thing because of that
constant fatigue and tiredness I’m my brains like always in a fog and you know
like my intelligence is something like I pride myself on like I’m a very smart
person but I feel like I’m in this constant just fog and like like I can be
a zombie sometimes it’s just the pain takes it’s like a parasite it just rains
on my energy and my focus and everything my body has to where I’m left with an Fe okay so I was watching on the raw Beauty
Christy video and she was talking about how she deals with like cluster
migraines and was trying to explain a chronic pain and like you can’t like
understand chronic pain unless you’ve actually had gone through it and a way
she put it that I thought was a really good perspective on it was it would be
like trying to explain how sex feels like to someone who
never had sucks and it’s just like not something you can do if you’ve never
experienced it or something you can’t you can’t understand or comprehend
unless you’ve experienced it um so I want to talk about how like chronic pain
and there’s a higher prevalence of like depression or anxiety when it comes to
chronic pain and there’s two different aspects to it there’s like the emotional
aspect of it where you know like feelings of like helplessness or
worthlessness I honestly like had to go through like the five stages of death
actually I first was anger then denial then I was mad at first that I got hurt
I was mad at nursing I and then denial and then I’m like okay maybe it’s not as
bad at it as it really is maybe it’ll get better and then bargaining is the
next step I would just be like I would pray and like beg God like please take
this pain away from me I’ll never take my health hurt take advantage you or
take my health for granted again and then depression and finally acceptance
and I had to accept that the life I have now is not the life I had before and I
have a lot of limitations and a lot of people aren’t going to be able to
understand that and you know when I’m really bad and in bed I can get so hard
on myself and I’ll feel like lazy because I’m not filming or I’m not doing
one of the like million things that I need to be doing but it’s like I know
like rationally I’m not being lazy but I feel like it even though I’m just like
in bed suffering and then there’s also like the physical part of why we’re more
prone to depression or anxiety and I was kind of talking about it a little bit
earlier how we only have this an amount of dopamine in her brains that
you know say you have a hundred dollars a hundred dollars of dopamine and you
know you need like 50 just to maintain pain a normal mood but 80 is being taken
from your body trying to deal with the pain and so it’s just the chemical and
hormone part of it as well and I know that ever since I’ve been in chronic
pain like I can get really irritable like very easily and like chronic pain
has affected like every single aspect of my life like work like everyone that I
work with knows I have a bad back and I’ve had to tell them because I need
help I need a lot more help then you know I
used to it’s affected my friendships like my friend and I got in a big fight
a few months ago we didn’t talk for two months and it’s because I mean I have
ever since I’ve been in chronic pain I have had to cancel a lot of plans and
you know I will agree to do these things because I really want to do them but
then when the day comes I can never predict how my pain is gonna be and I’ve
had to cancel a lot of things because of my pain and even like when we went on a
cruise there were times where I like everyone
they were all going out to the club and I was like I’m sorry I have to go to
sleep like I’m exhausted and she was taking it like personally
that I didn’t want to spend time with them and I’m like no no like I would
rather be spending time with you with my friends and making memories but I have
limitations and I can’t overwork myself it’s affected like am i dating if I’ll
be like talking to someone you know for a couple days say the days like that I’m
working because I’m usually awake of those days because I have to be and then
on my first two T’s off where I basically to sleep
persons in here for me for two days and number one they either don’t believe
that I slept that long or number two I think it’s really strange that I slept
that long I mean it is normal but that’s my life and it’s really hard to find
someone to date that is going to me he’s gonna accept me being a chronic pain and
her limitations it has on my life and you know my entire life I had wanted
children but this was something that took me a long time to come to terms
with and to finally accept but there is no way I would be able to carry I would
or to to go through a pregnancy with I can barely function with being the pain
that I have now I can’t even imagine having more weight in front of me and
just on my back there’s no way I would be able to get through it I would be on
bedrest the entire time and I wouldn’t be able to get my nerve ablations so
I’ve had you come to terms with the fact that I probably won’t be a mother I mean
I would caption and the only way that I wouldn’t be able to would be if I
adopted someone but I would have to adopt kind of an older child because not
only would I not be able to endure a pregnancy but I like don’t have the
energy and/or the physical health to be like running after like a little toddler
and just everyday life like I you know I can’t really make a lot of plans and I’m
like a big planner but I never know how bad my pains gonna be and how I’m gonna
feel and I’ve had to like going to the grocery store is an all-day thing like I
would have to mentally like prepare myself to like get dressed and get ready
and get take a shower and the pain that’s gonna cause and then going to the
grocery store and putting the groceries in
getting the bags in my car and getting them upstairs by the time I was done
putting my groceries away I was in tears so I’ve had to just pay money and I use
instacart now and have my my groceries delivered because I was just like
torturing myself I would rather pay $10 a month and get my groceries delivered
to me then put myself through agony yeah and if you do know someone in chronic
pain it like there’s a few things I wanted to mention like please don’t say
to them something that really gets on my really bothers me and I I know like
people have good intentions but when someone says I hope you feel better
because what they don’t realize that when you’re in chronic pain you never
feel better I’m never out of pain and yeah so another thing is like Oh have
you tried this have you tried yoga have you done this trust me when I say I have
tried every single thing there is or at least discussed it with my doctor trust
me i when you’re in this much pain you will do anything to get rid of it and I
have exhausted every option there is I mean I do have one option but I would
have to take off two weeks of work so that means I would have to save up some
money for that time off yeah but I hope this kind of gives you guys a little bit
more insight into me in my life and why it’s not so easy for me to like do lives
or things like that and give you much notice because I never know how I’m
gonna be feeling and I’ve just been like I had a nerve ablation last week so I’m
starting to feel a little bit better but I think I’m gonna have to cut down to
like two videos a week because I’m just trying to do too much and I need to put
my physical and mental health first so if you’re someone in chronic pain can
relate to this please let me know in the comments below and then or just let me
know your thoughts on this in general alright guys I hope you enjoyed this
video I will see you next time

4 thoughts on “Dealing With Chronic Back Pain and Depression. The Dark Side of My Life

  1. I'm so glad you made this video thank you. I also suffer from chronic back and neck pain. I have a herniated disc and also arthritis in all my joints down my spine. I plan to have the rhinoplasty surgery done and I'm glad to hear you tell me about it. Chronic pain is no joke it affects every moment of every day of your life. My husband does not understand it. I am pushed on a daily basis to do more than I well like you said there's only so much money in their checking account and when that's gone that's gone however I am pushed on a daily basis to do more than I have a reserved for. Sometimes I'm okay with that because it doesn't allow me to wallow in what can sometimes seem like self-pity. But there are some days where I just want to scream because I can't do it. I've been in pain management for 5 years now which allows me to deal with my pain through medication and believe me without that I wouldn't be here so you are not alone thank you again for posting this video makes me feel like I'm not alone either

  2. Hey hey miss lady 💙 notification squad. . thank u for stepping out tand talkimg about what u hve been dealing with. Very helpful and honest. Sorry u r dealing with such pain. I can hear the pain in ur voice.. I had heard it before but i undrstand care isnt a easy profession to be in..the stress and physical demands r insane..😧 workers comp r flat out liers..💔 .thanks really.. U r loved and u r enough..hope u get ur pain management get under control.. 💙 .u have alot on ur plte and u still fimd time nd energy and strength to do these videos. .thank u for ALL u do..!!!!all i ever wanted was to be a mom and God haf diffrent plans and its like grieving a dream.. Im sooo sorry u have to deal with thi..but ur story will help someone else. .💙 keep growing and for sure keep shining.💜🌟

  3. I am a psychologist and appreciate greatly that you are willing to be so open about what it is like to live with chronic pain and depression. It helps people living with these conditions to know that they are not suffering alone and that there are at least some other people that can understand what it is like to live on a daily basis in so much pain. I think that it is even more draining for these people to have to continually put on a show pretending to be "normal." I wish it was more socially acceptable to just say
    "I am doing my best having to live with continual pain." But our society's usual response is "You have to be more positive."

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