Cat’s Day: Living With Bipolar Disorder

I don’t know exactly what I imagined my
adult life would be like, but I certainly didn’t imagined myself locked in a psych
ward, cornered by a gang member, absent mindedly watching him make his
shank out of a plastic spoon. My name is Kat Davis I’m a third year from Little
Rock, Arkansas and I have bipolar 1 disorder. I realized that I was depressed
because I started cutting myself when I was 13. I went to boarding school when I
was 14 and when I was 16 I came home from school for mental health issues. I
was going to see a therapist at the end of six months she told me that there was
nothing wrong with me and that really like hindered me from ever like trying to get
help again. I was in the bathtub just surrounded by
a pool of water in my blood. I was there for hours I don’t remember it I’m not
lucid, just like fade in and out of consciousness. I was diagnosed with major
depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I was up to 40
milligrams of Prozac within a month. I’d been rapid cycling on the medication
between mania and depression every single day. It led to panic attacks just
kept getting worse, I was devolving. I couldn’t sleep my anxiety was so high I
wasn’t able to focus and it was just a whole other disaster. This place is terrifying it looks like a
psychiatric ward. Bleach white walls, like fluorescent lights. We weren’t allowed to
have anything. I wasn’t allowed to have my own deodorant, underwire, and shoelaces.
There were a couple people who were there to avoid jail sentences. There were
people who had been in and out of hospitals for their entire life. It was
horrible and I hate it so much and it ended up being like the best thing
that’s ever happened to me because that’s where I met the psychiatrist who
diagnosed me with bipolar The doctor told me that I had been having such
severe symptoms because I was on the prozac and it was putting too much
serotonin in my brain I’m very adamant I’m taking my
medication I love hypomania it’s great, but I just know the bad parts. When
I’m like hypomanic like I am right now I just like have a lot of energy. I can
stay up really late and just like not feel it at all. I’m like pretty much
always shaking. I’ll stop eating, I’ll go to the gym a lot. I’ll get really drunk
and when I shouldn’t get that drunk. Having this like huge inflated like
sense of self the only depression that I really get
it’s like seasonal depression now, a feeling of just like impending doom and
just like losing interest in everything Not really wanting to get out of bed
not really wanting to get ready or do anything. If I’m really really depressed
I’ll like have this sense of just like existing but not feeling like happiness
or sadness or anything. When I am in that phase I’m not suicidal I just like want
to cease to exist whereas if I’m like manic like I’ll make plans and like I’ll
try to kill myself I’d seen eleven therapists they all tried to
like drag things out of my soul and I just wasn’t really talking so instead they suggested that I start writing. I started typing up things and one day I
looked down and I had hundreds of pages of writing. I like put it together and
I’ve made like a book actually and I’ve been sending it to agents.
I honestly think I have the best support system ever I’m just honestly surprised
by like how much people have been like accepting and been able to like help me.
Being able to like first just write it down and just be like this is happening
and then being able to talk about was the next step it’s pretty freeing
honestly, because it’s not like just my like battle anymore like, just being able
to say it just makes it like less scary. It’s interesting for me because it
has been every day, every hour, every minute just like slugging by, but right
now it’s not and I think that kind of shows people like bipolar isn’t this
horrible, terrible thing all the time. Everyone has their own things and that’s
just like something I deal with.

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