63 thoughts on “Can I be addicted to my depression? Website/YouTube Wednesday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton

  1. Question 2 and 3 YES, YES, YES. I feel this way majority of the time. I felt as if I was addicted to depression and did not want to really get better. Depression is somewhat like a friend that you really hate, but don't want to leave. For the EDNOS, if someone told me that I didn't have much of an "ED", I would eat less just to prove to myself that I was sick. I would look at the criteria for "ED" to make sure I was still doing bad. :{ 

  2. I suffer with depression and psychotic symptoms. I am returning to university at the end of the month after I suspended my studies a year ago because I was too unwell. Is it normal to be extremely anxious? All my friends keep telling me to be positive but the depression makes it very difficult to have hope for the future and I can't get the thought out of my head that I won't be able to cope returning to studying after such a long hiatus.

  3. It depends on the lvl of anxiety. A little and I want to eat everything in sight. Alot and all desire for food goes flying out the window.

    #KatiFAQ – hey Kati. Is it possible that my ED is feeding off the attention it was getting in intensive treatment? I started treatment a year ago, though I've had my ED since I was 11. I have been to residential twice for several weeks and in php multiple times over the last year. I just spiraled down deeper and deeper. I had agreed to go to a different residential treatment facility the beginning of January, my treatment team was hoping if I went to one that treated the ED, my trauma and PTSD that maybe it would actually work. Long story short I had to go back to work and had to throw resi out the window. I have avoided my Dr and dietitian since before thanksgiving and have just been seeing my therapist twice a week and my psychiatric ARNP as I see fit. I feel like while I may not be doing great I am doing a little better at times. My treatment team is not very thrilled with me, but I truly think that going to my Dr and dietitian every week was was pushing me farther and farther down the rabid hole. I feel like the best thing is to starve my ED of attention. To not even talk about it in therapy. Is it possible for things to work this way? Sorry this is a novel. Thank you.

  4. Another great video. 🙂 And I actually have a question this week (sorry it's so long)!

     Today my therapist basically said she can't help me. I don't think she meant it in a mean way, but she literally said "if you're going to avoid everything, how can I help you?" and when I said she can't, she said "No I can't, I really can't" and put her notes down and just kind of sat there looking annoyed. It made me cry and start shaking (which I never do in therapy but it really got to me) and even after that she didn't suggest any other ways of helping, so eventually I suggested maybe writing instead of talking but I feel completely defeated after what she said. I completely understand that it's almost impossible for a therapist to help if we don't talk but her reactions just made it worse. She also laughs at me if I say "I don't know" or can't answer something. Again not in a mean way, but it doesn't help. I have PTSD and it took me over 10 years to actually start therapy because I find it so impossible to talk but a huge part of it is that I literally don't have the answers – I have massive memory blanks and the bits I do remember I mostly feel completely numb about. So how do I answer her questions when I can't remember or feel anything?! I feel like she thinks I'm just not trying but I really am. Is it usual for therapists to respond like this when someone is struggling to talk and do you have any tips on accessing feelings/memories? Thank you for everything. <3  #KatiFaQ  

  5. Wow your answer regarding depression versus addiction was very interesting. I have often thought about depression as an addiction and would beat myself up for not being able to just STOP my depression whenever I wanted. I beat myself up when I struggle with doing the simple things or thinking about self harming. I would say it's all my fault and that I'm just being weak. 

    Thank you so much Kati for your answer. I found it to be very eye opening. Depression cannot just be stopped on a whim.

  6. hi kati okay so my therapist said if i ever cut again i will be hospitalized. i have cut many times since she had said that but i haven't told her or anyone because i am scared to go to the hospital. I've had many panic attacks over this and my friends have been hospitalized and they told me they were highly drugged and other things. should i tell my therapist? thanks.

  7. Is it ok to feel like I'm better than my therapist for understanding depression and anxiety disorder? Or just because she thinks I'm fine and I'm trying to convince her that I have a disorder when I really don't ?

  8. Thank you for these videos. They really help and have encouraged me to talk to my doctor about how Ive been feeling!

  9. Hi kati <3 you have helped my a lot in the past!
    I have recovered form BED and Bulimia, but I still have days where I feel really depressed, and just starts to cry, out of the blue, I don't have anything to be depressed over I have a lovely man, I have a job, I've never been better. But I still get days were I usually would have self harmed or over done laxatives, to get through the day.

    How can I cope better, and stop being so emotional?

  10. Hi kati! I literally just caught up on the 5 videos i have missed!
    Anyways my question is related to depressing and anxiety..

    So ive been this wondering for a while now…. I have depression and i know eating habits can be effected by this, but why would i just stop eating around people?
    No matter if its at a restaurant, school, friends, i wont eat… Im fine eating around family, but i hate eating in public and i dont know why! I always feel so awkward and i feel like everyone is judging me.. I just hate it, and also i feel just so.. Fat! I seriously dont know why i do but it makes me really upset to the point where i barely eat breakfast or lunch.. Would this be anxiety or and ED? Im just so confused 🙁
    Please help! Xox #katifaq

  11. Hi, I can not help but notice how alone I am here. I am a 52 year old male diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and dysthymia. Been diagnosed with these illnesses since I was 17. I have been with my therapist for five years. One of the thoughts I have had watching your videos was what a nightmare I must have been to her. I. Recently after at least five years have committed an act of self harm. My question is is this my destiny forever? Plus how can I approach my therapist to some how let her know that we have made progress. And not to throw her hands up in frustration. I am really begin to struggle with the thought of losing my therapist

  12. Hi Katie! I have a question for you.. From the time I was 8-11 I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. At first I didn't think anything of it but towards the end I realized what was happening was wrong. Now I am almost 18 and to this day no one knows. I know once I tell my parents they'll send me straight to therapy but I don't really want to see a therapist. Do I need to tell someone/go to therapy in order to fully "recover"? Also I still see my abuser today. I can't help it because he's in my family. I'm not in any danger, he hasn't touched me since I was 11. When we see each other we act like nothing happened. Is it fine that we do that? What do you think? I need your help!!!

  13. I can feel a nostalgia for my depression when I remember it, but when I am in it the depression feels nothing but bad. Even if it does give some comfort when you remember it, there is so much more to get out of life than that.

  14. #katiefaq Hey Katie,
    since a year I am really focused on losing weight but my mom yells at me about how I am anorexic and I have to eat. I am still normal weight but I regret every time I eat and have other typical symptoms of anorexia. Also I am suffering in school. My grades dropped so hard since I came into my new class and now I can't get better. I am extremely shy: I can't raise my hand in class, I can't walk past a big group of people or take the bus or be in any kind of situation with many people because I feel like they're judging me all the time. I've spent hours of talking to teachers and my mother about this but nothing changed since two years. I think I'd like to see a therapist but I'm afraid to ask my mother. She could yell at me and want me to talk to her instead of having her pay for a third person. What would you recommend? xx

  15. #katiFAQ  Hey Kati ! you probably won't see this but pleeease help !!! 🙁 
    Ever since September i've been obsessed with food, eating, i've cut out a lot of food groups but still eat junkfood everyday aswell as fruit & veges it's causing so many arguements with my mum & its changed what i do socially too.. ever since i was 13 im almost 19 now i've been in therapy & this is my first year without it. I kind of want to lose alot of weight so i can go back to therapy..do you have any reasons why this may be? is it attention seeking etc or something else? please help @***** 

  16. To the person who asked if you can be addicted to depression: I think that I sometimes take comfort in depression and keep going back to it because in a way I like the way it makes me feel. But I really came here to recommend Prozac Nation. Elizabeth Wurtzel has some great insights on this topic. She talks about how she thought it's what made her who she was and that she needed it to have friends, but in fact her friends tolerated the depression because they loved her. It's a really great book, maybe check it out! (It can be pretty depressing until the last ~100 pages so I wouldn't recommend reading it if you're already feeling bad).

  17. In my experience of having struggled through depression as well as multiple addictions, I found that there is not much difference between the two, in both how they develop and how to recover from them.
    -Both develop because of repetition of a certain behaviour in response to a certain event: for depression, agreeing/meditating on negative thoughts following (most often) "bad" times (including inexplicable low feelings); for addiction, resorting to escape mechanism following uncomfortable state.
    -Even after you are "free" from your depression or addictions after a while, you can still relapse in both if you go back to your old ways
    -recovery in both requires creating a new pattern, a new neural pathway: for depression, thinking positively regardless of how bad I feel; for addiction, facing my emotions rather than escaping…

    When you were talking about depression you said "we can't just stop…" But that's how us severely addicted people feel. We feel like we can't just stop. Our brain automatically produces all the chemicals to the rest of our body to CRAVE our addiction so much that we no longer have control. In my experience I found it equally challenging to "fight the urge" for both.

  18. i don't know what to do…. I am on the verge of losing my job and yet I still can't manage to get myself out of bed and I can't even leave my house.  I feel like I am drowning and can't breath. don't know what to do and I feel like I can't continue on

  19. I have been living with depression for many years, and the topic of is it addicting peeked my interest as this seemed familiar. I never heard of depression being comforting, but that's exactly how I feel about it. I always go there to be were I'm used to being. If I'm happy or something good is coming up, I get really depressed because I don't know how to respond in the positive…

  20. Hay kati, I'm new (my keyboard is broken) I have depression, but I can't get help ( I don't want to kill myself) I can't get a therapist, my family won't let me speck up and I can't go to the hospital no one will lison to me. wat do I do. please help me .

  21. Hi I have depression and I feel a lot worse when I am not feeling depressed can you explain this to me as to why I feel better while depressed or like I feel like I can not get away from it because then people will not care about me I don't know

  22. I feel I am also with some disease like that but don't know what actually is it I can't communicate with all people only with few people and after using drugs I can communicate nice and after some time period I feel sad and like to be alone where no one can see me I can't make mine desijon I can't remember a lot I think I can't do any thing in my life I have no any aim in my life what is my problem

  23. This raises an interesting question around the word 'addiction.' When I first came across the word in the 70s, the distinction was made between addiction , where there is a chemical dependency developed by the body for the addictive substance such that the body is only at its balanced, restive state when the substance is present, and compulsion , where the person feels an overwhelming psychological need for the behaviour. The question then becomes: Is there a compulsive wish to remain depressed , or are there chemicals produced that make depression the normal, restive state?

  24. I'm going through a fase right now that feels like I'm finally getting out of my depression. That's beyond amazing and I'm clinging to this with all my goddamn might but.. well it's not a perfect raising line. And it's actually harder to go through those moods when you're "more awake" as I would call it. I'm more aware of these depressing moods somehow as I'm not constantly in it. The reason why I'm telling this is because when in such a mood I would immediately grab my depression music and let it all come over me but now I'm trying to ignore these pieces of comfort (that I can't help but calling comfort because it just feel it so much this way) and try to find distraction. Part of me really longs to get into that state of just letting it all be felt as I am so used to it after years.
    So I'm glad to see that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. As I'm telling myself, someone who embraces the depression is just asking for it. This is nice prove that I am not right for thinking this way.

  25. Oh I can relate to the "addiction" to mental illness soooo much. That's all I've been for so long, I don't know what to do or who to be without it. It it (though a bad one) a coping skill

  26. I personally think that depression is addicting. It's something that's familiar to you. It's comforting, as weird as that may sound. I don't know who I am without depression. I don't know how to react or how to behave. It's scary because it's the unknown. So whenever I feel lost or scared, depression is a place where I can "go" and be myself.

  27. I definetly see the seperation, but I also see a similarity in the fact that some people don't want help with their addictions. What if you feel a literal mental attachtment to your depression? You don't want to stop feeling this way? You don't want to get help? because you don't know who are without it, or you don't think it's worth it, or you know it'll be hard? Addiction is self destructive, and so is not getting help with depression. I agree with everything she said, I'm just pointing out ONE similarity, not stating matter of factly that it's an addiction.

  28. I was always a hypochondriac as a kid. I guess you can call it anxiety but I functioned normally. When I had kids and lost my ex, I started overthinking everything then felt as if I was losing my mind. In nursing school I took psychology. We took test just for fun and my results said I basically had every sort of condition. Growing up with a mom who was depressed I feel contributed to my thought process. But I felt stable until i saw those results, then I started telling myself I must be sick. Then panick kicked in now a vicious cycle that has lasted for years. I feel since I have completely lost my mind. I think about my thoughts everyday, it's like i'm obsessed with being depressed or so scared of the depression that I have the symptoms after all it can be hereditary so hey I am depressed. I even took meds but i still think the same way. I think somehow it's a thought disorder more than a depression. Like I said i'm a nurse and I can snap out of it while caring for others but when I get home i'm right back in Wonderland. OMG it's sad

  29. When I spiral down into depression I sometimes almost enjoy it. It feels like I had been holding a veil over my eyes, and I've finally been able to remove it and see clearly again. I can stop pretending that I'm happy, and I can permit myself to take a break from the exhaustive effort I put into shoving down any thoughts that might have a negative impact on my mood. I let myself think freely, and by doing so I let myself experience the most authentic version of me. I feel as though I'm lying to myself when I try to be happy, and by censoring so many of my thoughts I feel dumber, as though I'm thinking with blinders on and not letting myself accurately perceive reality. Since I perceive my depression to be such a large part of my identity I don't really want to get rid of it. I feel so relieved when I'm depressed, as though it is a vacation away from my monotonous day job of being happy so other people don't worry about me.

  30. I really like being depressed (not all the time)it just feels nice to daily being self pitying. I know this is problem but I feel like getting help but I sometimes just want to indulge on it

  31. I have a therapist to deal with extreme anxiety and major depression from a bad childhood but you really do help me in between sessions. I cannot afford weekly sessions so it is very nice to have you making these videos. Thank you so much.

  32. I agree with you Kati, and I don't think that one can be addicted to their mental illness. It's simply not the same mechanism. That doesn't mean that one can't take comfort in the familiar. But that is a very complex issue, and again, different from addiction. Some people fear recovery because it's the unknown or because they're afraid that if they recover, they could descend back into madness at an unexpected point.

    And thank you for talking about how therapists can trigger you. I've had therapists give me weird looks and make me feel very ashamed of things I've told them. You'd think I had described in detail my plans to blow up their fucking houses or something. I've also had a therapist tell me that she didn't think I needed therapy, which kind of fucked with my head even more. Then with others, I simply didn't trust them because I was essentially seeing them pro bono and was paranoid that they resented me for it, or that they'd give me inferior psychological treatment because I couldn't pay fully for their services. That latter worry is clearly a part of my mental illness and not any wrongdoing on their part, but it's still greatly deterred my from seeking treatment recently.

  33. #katiFAQ can i force myself to have depression , also can you make a video on bipolar NOS and double depression as well as the different typea of hypomania like the irritable mood or euphoric mood

  34. Hi, I really like your video. Even if you have already mentioned this in your video, I still wanna ask this question. i know it may seem odd, but I think I am addicted to being depressed. I like reading sad and romantic stories every night when going to bed. After reading that, I like crying, which comforts me and make me feel safe and comfortable. I don't know why. Can you tell me why and how can I solve this? Because I don't want to addicted to depression.

  35. Hi Kati I need some advice. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I think I have an eating disorder too. I eat my feelings and its affecting my health now. I have no therapist, but I do qualify for one. Anyway, my mental illnesses are stopping me from seeking treatment. What do I do to control it so I can seek treatment. I appreciate it a lot and thanks .

  36. i feel like I may be addicted to feeling this way. I wasn't diagnosed with depression but I show about most of the symptoms.
    I hate this feeling but a voice inside my head wants it to stay, I feel like I am faking it somehow but it feels too real to be faked. I can barely complete schoolwork and then I stress over it, it's incredibly stressful

  37. I think that depression can be addicting as we find comfort it I don't think it's an addiction but I felt like I've been addicted at times as sometimes it's your safety blanket as it's something you know and when we haven't felt happy I'n so long but I don't think it's an addictions but it can be addictive if that makes sense ?

  38. I feel happy that I believe that happiness is a delusion. This cruel world makes me feel small; it makes me feel like I'm always unnoticed. If I feel depressed I have suicidal thoughts or feel completely emotionally numb. That emotionally numbness makes me feel nothing, I don't feel like shit and I don't feel sad. Am I crazy?

  39. Hey, so Katie kind of said that addiction is not a disease.
    I would like to know why and what it seperates from other mental diseases and whether there's another word to refer to it which suits better 🙂

  40. Since I felt addicted to my depression too, my therapist once asked me if I thought my depression could have a 'positive' function for me. I then answered that my depression was probably the most intimate friend I ever had.

  41. The 2nd question was very helpful for me. I have fought with myself for years considering the idea that I may be addicted to the depression and sadness and anger that I have. I grew up with it, almost half of my life has been depression, and I had it through my most crucial parts of growing up, so a lot of times I feel like I wouldnt know who I am or what to do without it, and that it's almost a safety net, because I understand it. And I think that's what it is, it's comfort in knowing what's happening and how it's likely going to end up affecting your mood or plans for the day, and how it's going to make you feel or act. It's comfort in the understanding of it. I dont think it's possible to be addicted to a mental illness, but I did often struggle with the question anyway.

  42. Some people (including me!) have a tendency to dwell on and increase their distressed/depressed thoughts because subconsciously they believe that if it only gets bad enough, someone will step in and fix it/ love them. This can be caused by an anxious, insecure attachment problem–it's because when you're a baby, you cry to get your needs met, and if they aren't met, you get yourself more distressed and cry louder, and sometimes we carry some of those instinctive "cry for help" behaviors into adulthood in a modified form.

  43. Thank you so much for this video, i also had the same question about depression. I searched it and came across your video, i understand my mindset way better now. Once again, thank you for this video<3

  44. I get depression over live difficulties, and I was born with the horrible disease GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). In high school, i was bullied. I dealt at a young age with family death. I knew suffering. So, I embarked on a quest to find the answer to life and what life is all about. Although I was raised a Christian, I wanted to make sure that i was following the right religion. So, I took a secular (unbiased) course on world religions. I used hallucinogenic drugs for over 25 years. I listened to gurus and Dr. Timothy Leary. In college, I got a minor in philosophy and a Masters in biology, the study of life. What did I learn? I realized, from the hallucinogenic drugs, that there is a higher reality than what we perceive as we live day by day dealing with life's problems. I know that there is a God because of creation; all I have to do is look at my body. It is a designed electrochemcalbiological machine able to self heal. I did not design it. It is, to me, obviously designed and created by an intelligent source (God). i also realize that I have done many bad things in my life. For example, taking LSD is illegal. I was breaking the law. I learned that of all the major world religions, it is Christianity that says that in order to wipe away our wrong deeds (sins), God sent His son Jesus Christ (God as a Man) to live a perfect, sinless life. That way he could die on the cross in our place and, as Jesus intended and said, take on our sin and pay for them by spending 3 days in the lowest depth of Hell so that we can stand blameles before all-sinless, all-righteous, all-powerful, loving God. But God has to be a fair God and judge sin. Sin separates us from God because we do sin because we lack love for others in our heart, and God is an all loving God. So, God sends sinners to Hell, where there is separation from God and torment forever after we die. But God sent jesus to take away our sin. Jesus said that all we have to do to enter into Heaven, where there are no more problems and sadness, is to believe that he died on the cross for our sins and to accept him as our Lord and savior. That is it. We are still, and will always be, sinful. But if we love Jesus, we will try not to sin so that he does not have to pay for more of our sins. It is not living a sinless, perfect life, which we cannot do, that will allow us to enter heaven, but just having faith in Jesus. No other major religion states this. This makes sense to me. So even though i have a criminal record that is preventing me from getting a job, not having a family, having to take care of my 78 year old mother and being poor and eating out of soup kitchens, I am filled with happiness and job because I know that problematic life, which is very short compared to all eternity, will end and after I die I will enter the wonderful kingdom of Heaven forever more. So remember that when you are depressed. i also find that jogging helps with depression.
    Frank Reiser

  45. Depression is something that brings people pity so of course pity can be addicting. Until you decide that it is fuck the world and not fuck me, that pity is the only happiness available for now.

  46. Depression is CONDITIONED, not sure if it’s an addiction per se. More of a habitual neural pathway that one gets accustomed to and maintains as a form of self identity.

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